Jeremy decided that he didn't want to try a relationship with two other people on Thursday night and things have gone downhill quickly. I'm admittedly largely aggravated that he's unwilling to give it a shot. It might work, it might not; but I think it's at least worth a shot.
And I finally get the line from Tootsie, "I don't take this shit from friends, only from lovers." I never would have waited around three hours to have lunch with Jeremy on Thursday if he were just a friend... nor would I have driven 700+ miles last week just to hang out with him. I would have expected him to do more in the reciprocation department if we were just friends... but now I finally get that line.
Anyway, Friday morning, I told Jeremy that I'd do my best to treat him on a friend level and that Larry and I thought it would be nice if he came to La Jolla. Of course, he didn't know if he wanted to come or if he could, and by Saturday evening I'd given up even trying. He lamented on the phone about how Sunday was his only day off and he just wanted to do nothing. Whatever; with no effort from him and with the realization that "I don't take this shit from friends, only from lovers," I gave up.
Then, last night, having spent 24 hours without talking to him on the phone or via the computer, I wanted to let him know that I was still out there. I so wanted to express myself, but I didn't want to go off. I didn't want to attack.
It's missing the timing, but this is what was said:
Justin: hi Jeremy: yo Justin: ... Justin, wordsmith, doesn't know what to say ... Jeremy: ah Jeremy: I don't really know what to say either Justin: ... has written and erased IM 5+ times ... Justin: ... doesn't want to say nothing ... doesn't want to attack ... doesn't want to let his wall down ... Justin: ... hasn't really thought about Jeremy much last night or today ... Justin: ... successfully pushed him out of his head ... Justin: ... doesn't want him to come back into his thoughts, yet does at the same time ... Justin: ... repeats the line "I don't take this shit from friends, only from lovers" from the movie Tootsie in his head... Justin: ... never really understood it before now ... Justin: ... talking in third person lets him keep that wall there ... Justin: ... wants to communicate his feelings, but feels that it won't change anything and that Jeremy doesn't really care anyway... Justin: ... partially feels that Jeremy is incapable of the emotions... Justin: ... yet doesn't blame Jeremy... Justin: ... just thinks it... Justin: ... wonders if Jeremy is capable of making the change... Justin: ... kicks himself for should have knowning better... Justin: ... can't date a guy in the closet who lives at home... Justin: ... closet takes priority... Justin: ... work takes priority... Justin: ... Justin doesn't work well low on the totem pole... Justin: ... still unsure what to say... Justin: ... still not knowing if there's any point of saying anything... Justin: ... still not a "bad guy" so not not-talking... Justin: ... wants to make sure Jeremy knows the olive branch is out there... Justin: ... yet doesn't want to make the move to let him know... Justin: ... tired of feeling vulnerable... Justin: ... wonders if Jeremy is capable of really being vulnerable... Justin: ... perhaps last relationship was too much... Justin: ... knows from experience that it's hard to be vulnerable after relationship goes sour... Justin: ... wonders if he's typing into space and no one is even reading... Justin: ... wishes Jeremy would write him an e-mail... Justin: ... wishes Jeremy would make the communication effort... Justin: ... yet doesn't let his hopes get up... Justin: ... has fenced them up... Justin: ... has remained remarkably unemotional/unattached during this entire IM... Justin: ... Justin doesn't know ... Justin: ... just wonders... but not even much of that anymore... Justin: ... sees no point in it... Justin: ... thinks Jeremy isn't ready... one guy or two... Justin: ... doesn't like looking at Jeremy's picture because it reminds him of the thing he's trying to push out of his head... Justin: ... had fun being caught up in Jeremy... Justin: ... wondering, if Jeremy's reading this... maybe he'd say, type a period or something... Jeremy: . Justin: ... met new guys from Yahoo yesterday... no click whatsoever... wished they'd left when they got to the door... Justin: ... didn't want to meet them... Justin: ... Larry arranged, but went along with it because didn't want to think about Jeremy... Justin: ... figured Jeremy hadn't pulled his ad, so why should there be a "mourning" period... Justin: ... feels a bit stupid typing as though it's not me/him/Justin... but it works to keep the distance... the emotional distance... Justin: ... wonders if Jeremy even gives a big rat's ass... Justin: ... wonders if Jeremy has missed him... Justin: ... but can't let himself wonder too much... Justin: ... can't let himself wonder... Justin: ... can't let it matter to him... Justin: ... can't flatter anymore than he has... Justin: ... can't say anything that he hasn't already said... Jeremy: I'm just wondering what happened.... is this all because I decided not to come to La Jolla? Justin: ... it tempted to say... Justin: ... is tempted to SCREAM... Justin: ... but answers, "No, it's not all because of La Jolla" Jeremy: the third person thing is completely necessary? Justin: for me, yeah, it sorta is Justin: because if I don't do it, I'll just "let loose" Jeremy: ok, just checking Justin: ... thinks Jeremy is completely incapable of giving of himself emotionally, physically, or mentally. Justin: ... yet can't blame him. he's only 20... Justin: ... yet "pangs of real" come through... Jeremy: heh Justin: ... but there's too much "how I should act"... Justin: ... not enough going with the situation... Justin: ... too worried about the closet... Justin: ... too practiced in the closet mindset... Jeremy: I would say something, because I truly resent that statement (incapable of giving himself), but we've been here before, more than once Justin: I'm not attacking... just trying to express myself. Justin: No slander is intended. Jeremy: I just thought we were past this stage Jeremy: this all looks very familiar Justin: ok, you're right. I'm wrong. You're completely comfortable with yourself and completely able to give yourself. Justin: The closet dominates your life. Jeremy: I don't recall arguing that fact Justin: I think the "three-thing" has less to do with three and more to do with the closet. Justin: You even said how would you explain that to anyone? Justin: You've spent so much time worrying about what everyone else thinks that you can't do what you want. Justin: And maybe you don't want to do the "three thing" Justin: but I don't think you're even capable of letting yourself have that thought. Jeremy: I think I'm capable Jeremy: and no, I don't want to do the "three thing" Justin: I don't care. Justin: I'm so beyond that now. Justin: I just think you're going to spend the rest of your life in [the small town], in the closet. Jeremy: nope Justin: I mean, like Thursday morning, I would have gotten up early just to come over and see "me" Justin: you couldn't even get your butt out of bed after I called several times Justin: you're just so not ready to give of yourself Justin: and that's just a specific I can pinpoint. Jeremy: not to a 3-way relationship, nope Justin: ok, believe that's what it is... I really, honestly, don't care about that anymore. Justin: that's the "I don't take this shit from friends, only from lovers" line Justin: I finally got it. Jeremy: yes, I'm the one that's giving all the shit... I forgot... I am sooooooooooooo sorry, I am a bad "sadistic" person, that's right Justin: no way I would have waited for a friend just to go to dinner in the next town because your colored girlfriend couldn't be seen Justin: I didn't say that. Justin: responding that way only indicates that you're not listening and attacking back Jeremy: heh... whatever, this is ridiculous, I'm not even going to get stressed about it anymore Justin: this isn't about making you feel bad Justin: I'm not stressed, that's for sure. Justin: I'm just trying to get you to open your eyes and see things from a different viewpoint. Jeremy: from *your* viewpoint Justin: Not just my viewpoint... Jeremy: I've tried to get you to open your eyes as well... from *my* viewpoint, but, that was a waste Jeremy: it becomes more and more obvious to me how difficult it's going to be to be friends.... not only because I don't meet your 'friend requirements' but also because I think I'm being held to different requirements Jeremy: so, whatever Justin: then it's settled... you don't believe that I'm capable of "whatever" and I don't believe you're capable of "whatever" Justin: part of your appeal was your newness to the whole thing Justin: but it's the same thing that has caused it not to work Justin: I guess you can't have it both ways. Jeremy: your opinion Jeremy: it's not about 'newness' to the whole thing Jeremy: it's about not wanting to be in a 3-way relationship Justin: well, at the very least, we both become less attractive to the other each time we speak, so there's less to be "depressed" about Jeremy: true Justin: if I were single, I still wouldn't be able to put up with the closet stuff Jeremy: I know Justin: that became more and more obvious as time went on Justin: it ALWAYS took priority Justin: a lie always took priority Jeremy: so.... as this is only getting me frustrated (feeling like I'm spinning my wheels), and I don't want to be dwelling upon the subject all night, let's just end it here... we can either talk about something else, or not talk at all Justin: ok... I go for the latter... Jeremy: ok... later Justin: wishing you no ill will Justin: bye
Part of me is kicking myself for "show have known"ing better. I forgot what dating a guy in the closet can do. I forgot how the lie took priority. I remember now how taking different sidewalks and hiding out from his friends drove a wedge between my first boyfriend Adam and me. With Jeremy living at home, it's FAR worse than Adam living at a dorm with roommates.
Oh well, as I said in the IM, "at the very least, we both become less attractive to the other each time we speak, so there's less to be 'depressed' about."
And yes, for all you cerebral types out there, a definite part of me knew better the whole time... but I so wanted to let myself get caught up in it. I so wanted to get carried away and experience that infatuation/puppy love that so eludes us as we mature. I knew there was a "crazy" aspect of it as it was going down... but it was fun and intoxicating... and I pushed the "logical" part out of my head. It was nice being caught up in the moment. It was nice thinking it was love even though I "knew better" and it was nice pushing that mature/logical part out of my head and out of my life for a bit. I came back, as you can see, but at least for the time it was nice... REALLY nice.
June 23, 2000 - Friday 1:12PM
I'm not a laid back person. I have a real problem with a wait-and-see attitude, but I'm doing my best to take that attitude in regards to Jeremy. Looking at things with a non-intoxicated eye, I can see that while an intense fling would be fun and while the sex would indubitably be the best I'd ever had because the physical attraction is that strong, it would likely have fizzled after the initial buzz was gone.
Things being as they are, Jeremy and I are friends. Through time, we'll either become closer friends or we won't, but time will allow us to both see what needs to be seen to make any "informed decisions" instead of going with rash crushes. In that, I mean that if Jeremy and I were meant to be together, it'll happen. If we weren't, if we ultimately wouldn't have gotten along anyway, then we'll find that out, too. The here and now would be fun, amazingly fun, but if "happily ever after" was in the picture, it'll still be there.
It's hard to explain, and I know it sounds like it discounts my relationship with Larry as a placeholder, but it's not. It simply means that if my ultimate physical and mental attraction to Jeremy turns out to be greater than my attraction to Larry, that will become evident in time. The initial infatuation blinded me: Jeremy was the clear winner. But life does not occur in pockets of time with no effect on the others. Each event does effect the other; each rock is necessary to get to the next step on the path. Sure, the golden rock next to the path I'm on may have seemed like it started the path I always wanted to take, but as long as that path that started with the golden rock continues in the same direction as the path that I'm on, nothing is ruled out. Perhaps I'll stay on the path I'm on, perhaps I'll jump over to the other and see where it leads, but I've made it past the initial golden rock enticement. With time, I will get to know both paths and decide which one is ultimately better for me.
If the paths should happen to separate, say Jeremy gets a boyfriend and they live happily ever after or the perfect third comes along and makes Larry and I euphoric, then that's what happens. I can hope that the paths stay together, but, as Jeremy told me, I shouldn't give up happiness now for a dream that may never come true.
It is hard for me to deal with things that are, in some ways, undecided, but I can do it. And, at the very least, I'm making a new friend in the process. I'm also wise enough, too, to see that Jeremy has some issues to overcome, such as being in the closet, before his path is fully available either. Each path for sure has benefits. I know the path I'm on leads to the end. I don't know if the path that started with the golden rock goes that far. But I'll see... and that's all anyone can ever hope for or expect.
June 28, 2000 - Wednesday 10:18AM
Last Friday afternoon, I started the previous entry by saying that I was no good at the wait-and-see attitude but that I was going to do my best to take that attitude in regards to Jeremy. Yet Friday night came, and when we drove through the small town, arriving at the ranch house, a flood of "I wish I were with Jeremy"s came over me. I so wanted to be with him in his office, to hug him, to hold him, to kiss him. The wait-and-see attitude obviously wasn't going to work.
Saturday morning came and I stood in the kitchen and cried while hugging Larry. As I wretched from nerves, I said something to the effect of "I don't want to leave, but I don't know if I can stay."
And Sunday evening came and Jeremy came over to the house for around fifteen minutes. The three of us talked a bit about nothing too deep then said good-bye.
Then on Monday, I was pricing apartments and desperately trying to figure out what would be the best for me in the long term.
Elsewise, chronology and the rest of the time has become a blur... and now Jeremy has decided to stop communicating. He completely shut himself off from both Larry and me yesterday; no response to IM's or cell phone calls and the guy at the office intercepted calls there, too. When Jeremy answered the non-caller ID equipped phone in his office after hours last evening, he said he might send me e-mail about it last night: No e-mail came.
I was tempted to call and wake him up this morning, to ask what the heck is going on, but I don't want to play this drama. I can deal with a lot of things, but not talking and not telling me why is not one of them.
I'm really tired, to tell the truth... stress wears you out. I'm tired of defending my life to the immature and inexperienced on the bulletin board. I'm tired of getting random e-mails telling me what a bad person I am. I've gotten "you're a whore"'s and "your life's a soap opera" and frankly I'm sick of it.
Not that it's anyone's damn business, but I'm the sole shareholder of a California corporation and I make $100,000+ per year. I drive a new 1999 Mercedes C280 that I'm paying for, too. I don't pay rent, but Larry is not my sugar daddy. I could afford to fly to wherever, whenever, if I wanted. Indeed, I'm paying for a plane ticket for my mom to fly out here and plane tickets for her and myself to fly to Hawaii, too. Just because I don't tell you the balance in my checking account doesn't mean the balance is zero.
And as for my life being a "soap opera," all I can say is that my life is real. There's no bullshit, here in the diary or in my life. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I defy anyone to live their life as honestly as I live mine and to do so under the scrutiny of who knows how many readers. It has its moments of great and it has its catharsis, but at times it's a major pain in the ass.
Yet I keep at it because I know there are a lot of people out there that really benefit from it: They write, too. To them, it's not some drama, some artificial creation, but rather it's something they identify with. If I help just one guy a month, then with all the naysayers, it's worth it. You can't please everyone all of the time... nor should you want to. But I think I'm providing insight not only into my life, but into their own.
So... who knows how this is going to all turn out. I surely don't... but I do know that my life is real, that all the options are open, and that a lot of evil people lurk ready to attack to make themselves feel better.
