I ache for someone to hold me, not in the way that Bryce and I sometimes lay on one another watching TV with my arm around his chest, nor as a precursor for sex, but to simply have someone envelope me with his arms and legs. I long for one of those hugs that radiates love and trust and specialness. One that's so tight, it feels as though I'll never be let go.
Tonight, Jered and I were to have a date where I figured we'd have dinner and perhaps see a movie afterwards, but when he called an hour or so ago, he said that he was having dinner with his family at 6:30PM. He explained the circumstances and I know the situation would likely be the same were I with my family and the particulars similar, but I still can't help feeling that I'm more attracted to Jered than he is to me, even taking into account that I express my thoughts far more than most. And sure, we're still meeting after his family dinner, but it seems that I've gotten pushed down on the priority list yet again. The logical part knows that it's just coincidental that both nights we were to go out, something else has happened, but the emotional part won't shut up about how Jered and I have only briefly talked on the phone and how he gave me more compliments before we met than after.
Being totally candid, I'd love for him to show up with a flower tonight and to give me a kiss on the lips before the night is through, but I doubt that will happen. Of course, I also doubted that he'd say he was just hanging with friends at that pride thing, but he did. Who knows, really: His ad did say, "Hugs/Cuddles/Romance are great when needed"... well, I need it.
So, anyway, those are my thoughts...
7:16PM
Jered called ten minutes ago to say that he and his parents were getting ready to go to dinner and that he'd call me again in about an hour and a half when he was done. As it was after 7PM, I'd actually figured he was already at the dinner and just hadn't called me beforehand like he was planning. And while I had thought to myself that it was no big deal that our meeting was delayed until 7:30PM or 8PM, it's now not going to occur until 9PM. Given that I have to be at traffic school tomorrow morning at 8:30AM and that he, too, said that he had to do something tomorrow morning, I'm just a little down that I won't have that much time to spend with him.
Of course, the irony of the situation is that the desire to spend time with him would seemingly be something that would scare him away. Unfortunately, though, I'm just no good at apathy.
Perhaps before the weekend's through, we can just have a regular date-date, with no rescheduling. I hope so.
8:07PM
Remarkably, just writing my thoughts down totally got it out of my system. I'm now dressed, looking damn cute, and ready to go. I'm thinking perhaps we'll go to the drive-in, if that's ok with him, but whatever we do, I'm gonna be looking darn fine.
April 28, 2001 - Saturday 5:02PM
Last night, I met Jered at a bowling alley a little after 9PM, and similar to what I'd said about the swimming lessons, anticipation was a bigger deal than the actual event.
Don't get me wrong. I liked being there and we had fun bowling, but when we were in each other's presence, I couldn't figure out what I'd gotten myself so worked up about. If he likes me, he likes me. If he doesn't, he doesn't. He's a nice guy from what I know, but I've yet to have a chance to get to know him very well, so if he doesn't like me, what have I really lost?
No doubt, too, at this stage of our interaction, Jered's physical state plays a more substantive role in my opinion making because it's the attribute that's more readily discernable, and while I was looking "damn cute" last night, he had looked better the two other times I'd seen him. That, combined with the stout smell of smoke when he leaned over to tell me something, just made less than the oh-my-gawd-he's-so-wonderful impression which I'd previously established in my mind.
So, tomorrow afternoon, we're meeting here at my apartment just to talk and to get to know one another. It's not the date-date that I'd mentioned earlier, but I am looking forward to it. I think there's a worthwhile guy there; I've just yet to have time to see.
10:12PM
Tonight I had dinner with Jon, this guy I'd met twice before, for lunch once then dinner. Truth be known, I didn't think we'd hit it off before I met him. I figured it'd just be yet another one-meeting-only type deal, but I gave it a shot and we seemed to click a bit, so we met again.
Anyway, tonight we had dinner and as he was eating his salad, he said he was feeling queasy. As the meal progressed, his appetite lessened, and by the time dinner was done, he was feeling pretty bad. We took a brisk walk around the mall, but he was still feeling sick, so we parted ways. A couple minutes after we left the parking lot, I called him to say that I'd be up for a while and he was welcome to come over if got to feeling better... but it's 10:44PM now so I think I'll be spending the rest of the evening alone.
Before he'd gotten sick, I'd hoped to myself that he'd come back here and just hang out when dinner was done, but his feeling ill stopped even the question of what we would do for the evening. And I know I haven't really voiced my longings, but I'd really like to have someone just come back here and hang, without the pretenses of sitting in a restaurant or being in public.
Bryce can come over and just hang, and so can Scott though he does it less often, but two friends do not a social life make...
In short, I need friends.
April 30, 2001 - Monday 11:22AM
Yesterday around 1:30PM, Jered came over to my apartment. I showed him my various gadgets and we talked for a while then he said he had a headache from not eating.
To fix that, I suggested we go eat and we went to Bennigan's. When lunch/dinner was done, we stopped at Best Buy for a few minutes then headed back towards my apartment. Once here, I figured we go back inside and continue our getting-to-know-you conversation, but as Jered was was pulling into the driveway, he said he thought he was going to head out. Confused, I met his face as he leaned over to give me a peck on the lips (our first kiss), then I got out of the car.
I came back upstairs dumbfounded at Jered's early departure then called Bryce to get his take on the situation. The student Jered was supposed to tutor had cancelled and the night before Jered had been out late. Friday night, the night we met at the bowling alley, he headed home around 11:30PM instead of taking me up on my offer to hang out at my apartment and then the day where he had no schedule, he left early again.
We talked for a few minutes then Bryce told me that I should just call and ask Jered himself. I did just that, and he responded that he only had a limited number of hours in the day. He reminded me of how he'd said he needed to make a test for his students and how he'd had to get up Saturday morning early to buy concert tickets, and while it all made sense, it still sucked.
Whatever happened to the twelve hour dates I used to have? Where I'd meet someone for dinner, go see a movie, then come back to my apartment and remain there until the next morning, completely caught up in the other person and completely clothed. I think Jered likes me. I think Jon likes me. But I'm so unsure of either of those that I have no idea if I should feel even remotely guilty updating my personal ad.
