~ January 2002 ~

January 17, 2002 - Thursday
10:30PM

Last Saturday night, I was out until 4AM with a guy I met the Sunday before. Sunday night, that guy cooked me dinner, and I arranged to send flowers to a guy in Canada with whom I've been speaking. Monday, I met the guy I was originally supposed to meet the Sunday before, and Tuesday I went out with that guy again. Last night, I had dinner with that third guy for the third time... but for all the busyness and attention, all I feel is alone.

Indeed, the self aware part knows that I'm intentionally keeping busy to avoid my feelings, but unfortunately, I'm also self aware enough to know that that's just a temporary fix.

In short, I want Jay. I want to be his boyfriend, but he doesn't want to be mine and it's obvious that he's not changing his mind anytime soon. Of course, the irony is thick as back in October when he wanted to pursue a couplehood relationship, I was the one saying no.

Now, armed with the knowledge that he did want to be my boyfriend just a couple months ago, my brain finds it incredibly hard to accept that those feelings aren't still there somewhere. Yet I have to accept his decision: my pressing for him to change his mind has pushed our friendship close to its limits. We've both broken down a couple times, and neither one of us can take it anymore.

We both appear ok on the surface with one another, but it's gotten to the point where earlier tonight when I was over at his apartment sitting on his couch, I was almost afraid to touch him for fear that it would somehow go wrong. I hate that, and I miss the closeness we did have. I hadn't been lonely at all until I decided that he was the one and he decided that he was not. Nonetheless, looking at it with an objective eye, I see that for all intents and purposes, we were a couple. Now he's pursuing a new guy and I'm still wanting him... Yet I wasn't ready to make that boyfriend commitment in October, so if I had agreed, I would still be wondering if it was the right decision. And now that I know it is, it's no longer an option. Ahh... life. Sometimes it bites.

January 27, 2002 - Sunday
1:19PM

This past Thursday night, Jay's new beau flew into town to be with him, but as I'd woken up sick on Wednesday with a fever, sore throat, and headache, I was in no mood to care. By Friday night, though, the cold had largely passed, and Saturday afternoon, after his beau had left, Jay called to ask me if I wanted to have lunch.

He picked me up and we immediately began talking about how the trip had gone. Incredibly, instead of feeling betrayed by his messing around with another guy or feeling jealous of him being able to have that feeling about his new beau that he couldn't feel about me, I heard the story as though my best friend Jay was telling it. I harassed him, the same as I would have three months ago, but I didn't wish I was somehow in the story. I was amazed. I honestly wasn't jealous. I thought I would've been, but I wasn't.

I guess, for one, I'd resolved myself that Jay and I weren't going to go down the couplehood road right now, but I'd also found myself very interested in the Canadian guy I mentioned last week. In fact, before I'd gotten sick, Jamie (the Canadian guy) and I had talked about him flying down and the ticket had subsequently been purchased. I really was moving on with my love life, and me talking with Jay about his made that clear. I was happy.

So, nothing earth shattering, but life keeps on ticking no matter gets thrown at us. That's the part ya gotta remember.

January 30, 2002 - Wednesday
8:37AM

When I talk to Jamie on his cell phone, he's amazingly courteous to those with whom he's interacting. It's sweet and very much attractive, how he tells the clerk at the store to have a good day or the customer where he's working thank you... but he absolutely sucks at wooing.

I've had flowers delivered, bought him a plane ticket, e-mailed him little videos I made with the camcorder, and even sent him a 97 cent box of chocolate in the mail. Of all those, the 97 cent one has the biggest "woo" factor, followed closely by the little videos I made. They cost me virtually nothing but took the most effort; it's not a matter of Jamie lacking the funds.

Indeed, a while ago, I'd said something about Jamie's "sorry ass" in jest, and he'd responded that I could bounce quarters off of it. His quarter-bouncing ass has been a playful subject ever since.

So yesterday we were talking on the phone and "suck at wooing" was spoken. I didn't want to nag but it really felt like I was expending most of the effort, and when he talked about his trip to California, "haven't had a vacation in years" was far more prevalent than "I get to see you in real life." I needed something to say that he was into me and that was the biggest reason for the trip.

As such, I suggested he send me a picture of his quarter-bouncing ass on his webcam. In my mind, that was something he wouldn't do for everyone. It was effort and that's what I needed. He responded to my suggestion by saying that he didn't know if I was into that, and I responded that I didn't go surf internet porn non-stop, but I'd look at his butt.

So last night before I went to bed, I checked my e-mail to see if a picture was there. It was not. And this morning, checking my e-mail was the first thing I did. Again, no picture. No nothing.

I really can't believe I told him that he sucked at wooing and he agreed, and yet I got nothing. I'm not calling today. If he wants to talk, he can call. I'll answer, but I can't be the one expending all the effort. There has to be at least some reciprocity.

January 31, 2002 - Thursday
3:29PM

Last night I got an e-mail from Jamie that read:

justin...

just listening to 'hands clean', the new alanis morissette single. (she's canadian, eh? nooo doobt aboot it.) ;-) she says so many neat, articulate things in this song. i'm love. :-)

well, i think we've established that i suck ass in the wooing department...

all i can say is that you're incredible. scruffy. green-eyed. sweet. thoughful. straightforward. generous. honest. the list of adjectives could go on...
shit, man. it's not like you haven't heard it all before from a thousand guys who thought you were freakin' gorgeous. which you are. ;-)
dude, you make me smile with everything you do. you make me laugh whenever i talk to you, and i think my favorite thing in the whole wide world right now is hearing you say "byeeee!". i think about you all the time, man. what else is there to say?

i'll do better with the wooing. i promise.
promise promise promise.
d'accord?
kewl.

in the meantime, in between time...
here's some "lame webcam pictures"
for your viewing pleasure.....

sleep well. take care of yourself.
i'll speak to you soon.
yours,
jamie

Attached to the e-mail were four pictures. The first two were of Jamie's face with his shirtless upper torso and bicep in view. I could see that he was wearing pajama bottoms, too, and he looked adorable.

The second two, however, left me with a huge ass grin. In each, Jamie's lower stomach was the focus, and they both revealed a bit of his pubic hair. They also revealed the words "Property of Justin Clouse" written in black magic marker near his pelvic bone. It was so incredibly cute, the words written there on his very nice stomach, with just enough of his pubic hair and treasure trail visible as to be extremely teasing. I even appreciated that he had to write it on himself upside down and backwards.

And so, quite obviously, I went to sleep last night with a smile on my face. Heck, I've had a smile on my face at least a couple dozen times today, too, just thinking about how sweet it was... Sometimes talks are a good thing.

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Justin's
Life