4:38PM

2:46AM Technically November 14, 1995

Rob,

>I wasn't suggesting I'd never see you again!

        That's what I heard and in my life, it's been a common theme. 
First with Jarrod, then with Chris, and finally with Adam. Jarrod 
completely stopped talking to me one day without a believable 
explanation and we didn't talk again for nearly two years. Chris 
quit talking to me one day after returning from a trip to his 
grandmother's. He said that he had time to think there and 
realized that he needed for us to separate. He, too, didn't talk to
me until earlier this summer. Adam couldn't handle the fact that 
I wasn't in love with him and thus, he completely cut me off. I 
wanted to be his friend, but he wouldn't let me... and he still 
won't talk to me or about me with his current boyfriend. Using 
inductive reasoning, I assumed you'd be the same, especially 
seeing the huge parallel between you and Adam.

>You are/were my best friend, and of course I wanted to continue 
>to hang out with you -- I wouldn't have gone with you to meet 
>Chuck if I didn't.
        I honestly had no idea why you went with me.

>I don't understand why you thought I was treating Chuck 
>"badly". It's true I wasn't very talkative, but this was a natural
>consequence of the fact that the two of you had so much in 
>common, and you were excited and able to talk with him 
>about things typical for Freshmen. I wasn't completely mute, 
>if you recall. And I was honest when I told Chuck I was glad 
>to meet him. I have nothing against Chuck, ironically even now.
        No, you weren't brooding during our meal at IHOP, but you 
were far from social. It was as if you were Jeff, really hating 
the situation but having the manners not to let it show too much. 
It was just like the deal with Larry all over again. You had no
reason not to like Chuck. The only possibility was that I was
paying him attention. You say you held him no ill will, but 
for both myself and for Chuck, it was as though you were 
not happy to be around him. And since you didn't voice 
your interest, the body language of disinterest won out.

>I never suggested to you that I would stop talking to 
>you, or say "good-bye" forever. 
        Yes, but I heard Adam, Chris, and Jarrod all over again. 
I got scared. I hate being alone. I hate having you as my only 
friend. When I thought I was going to lose that and there was 
a koool guy right there waiting, you better believe I jumped 
at the chance.

>What exactly was it about me you desperately 
>didn't want to lose?
       I thought I was going to lose you, period. Chuck wasn't 
the end-all be-all of this. Chuck was just the proverbial 
straw that I thought would break your back. My life's gone 
haywire. Everything I ever thought I could depend on has 
let me down in some way or form. Jarrod, Adam, Chris, my 
parents not being able to fill the financial support roles 
they'd filled since childhood, school, etc. You name it, it's 
happened to me as of late. EVERYTHING I ever 
depended on has gone sour in some way. Why should 
you be any different? I'm jumping from cloud to cloud, but 
my faith is falling. I thought you were my stability, but then 
you killed the RJ Venture thing. You let me down in a major 
way. My one stability point failed, MAJORLY. Even he was 
fallable. 

As far as I see it, here are how things are currently:

1. Rob's my best friend.
2. Chuck's my romantic interest.
3. I'm still looking for that red head of my dreams.
4. Both Chuck and Rob are aware of #1, #2 and #3.