Justin's Life... September 13 - 21, 1995

My life... September 13 - 21, 1995

September 13

Well, today I found an apartment... but instead of being happy, I just got finished crying.

After looking through an apartment rental book, Rob and I headed out to a place called Boston's Preferred Properties. I filled out the form, as usual, and then talked with a nice looking woman named Kristen.

At first she said that she didn't have anything that fit my criteria, but later called on the phone to find a place that would be available on October 1st for $750.

So off we went to see it... As we started walking up the stairs, I began thinking how this was probably another one on the fifth floor. It wasn't: the second floor, just right.

As we walked down the hallway, I turned and looked at Rob as if to say, "Looks like a bomb exploded here." He simply smiled and on into the apartment we went.

Inside, it was amazing... large, two rooms separated by a wall, newly renovated, carpet, a small but nice kitchen, basically everything that I wanted. It was hard to believe that the outside and inside could be so different.

I voiced how I really liked the apartment but was sorta scared of the hallway. Kristen commented about how it had been recently spackled and that she thought it would be fixed within the next six months.

Anyway, Kristen had another apartment to show us and before we even got in the building, my mouth had dropped. To get inside, she accessed a control panel and computer screen to talk to security. Inside, the hallway and carpeting looked like that of a posh hotel. I was dumbfounded.

We went on inside to the building's realty office and a man said that the apartment had been rented. Kristen, however, wanted to talk to someone she spoke with earlier and eventually found that a small $625 apartment would be available October 1st and a $825 much nicer one would be available on the first of November. She told the lady that she'd pass on seeing the small one, but I interjected that I'd like to see it.

A few minutes later, we went up the elevator to the eighth floor where we went into an apartment smaller than 10x10ft. As Kristen remarked, I don't think a bed would have even fit in it.

We then headed downstairs to the $825/November apartment just to see what it was like (and for Kristen to note it mentally for her own use). It was nice and was being completely redone. Mostly, all we saw was construction, but they had some major plans in store... oh well, $825 and November. Not for me.

As Rob and I were walking behind Kristen back to her office, I asked him what he thought about the first one. He said, "It looked really nice." and I had to agree. The only thing plaguing me was the hallways. It was like going through AOL to get to the Internet... not a pretty picture.

We went back inside Kristen's office and I nervously sat in the chair not sure whether or not to take it. I mean, I had to consider the hallways, but I also had to consider that I wouldn't be able to move in until October. A few minutes later, I wrote a check for $750 as a deposit.

Kristen called the landlady to say that she'd gotten the apartment off the market. Through listening to Kristen's half of the conversation, it was obvious that the landlady wanted to meet me.

Next came the paperwork, Kristen said that I'd probably need a guarantor and here's where my worrying started. Dad, as you all know, has a credit rating which "isn't exactly perfect." and I doubt he'd be able to guarantee anything. I mentioned, as much, to Kristen and she said that we'd say something to the landlady to see what she said.

Okay, a few minutes later, I was talking to the landlady and I voiced my concerned about the hallway looking as though it had been bombed. Per Rob's advice, I said, "I love the inside, but..." She said that she doubted the hallway would be fixed... I mean, in case I haven't been able to convey it, the hallway was BAD. Kristen tripped on the carpet and the numbers on the apartment were partially missing.

Anyway, I said that I wanted to look at the hallways once again before going ahead, and thus, Kristen, Rob, and I went to see them.

After getting there, we looked around a bit and Kristen found the maintenance guy who was renovating an apartment across the hall from the one I looked at. He said that, yes, the hallways were going to be painted in the next few weeks. Being the skeptic I am, I didn't really believe it, but Rob and Kristen convinced me otherwise by continually pointing out the new spackle on the walls.

We went back to the landlady's office and Kristen gave her my check.

Once that was done, we followed Kristen back to her office where she handed me some paperwork and made an appointment for me to sign the lease tomorrow morning.

And that's when my worrying started big time:

I won't move in until October 1st. Over two weeks of imposing on Rob and his roommates.
I don't have a guarantor that will work. Even after waiting until October, the deal might not go through. With my dad as a guarantor, I'm almost certain of it.
The hallways may or may not get painted. Perhaps, I could just bust the lights in the hallway.

and thus, I'm stressing about those things... the one the most worries me is the lack of a guarantor. When I asked the landlady, she said that it was most important for me to get someone who had a good credit history. So who knows...

I'm a little better now than when I started typing this. I still don't have the answers to my problems, but I'll be okay.

11:23PM

Well, I'm doing much better now than before. Thanks to Rob's encouragement and a letter from Mack, I realized that my problems aren't all that bad. I'll be in an apartment before long and the RJ venture will be ready to go...

Currently, I'm waiting for Rob to get off the phone so that we can continue watching Boys On The Side... oh, he's off, so I gotta go...

September 16

6:19PM

A lot has happened since I last wrote. Let's see...

As far as the apartment goes,

Re: 2 Weeks Here: I wrote a thank you card and gave each of Rob's roommates $50 as rent for my space of the apartment for the three weeks that I'll be here.
Re: Guaranteeing The Apartment: I'm going to try and use my Mom as the guarantor first, but if that doesn't work Larry said that he'd do it. So, that's no longer worrying me.
Re: The Hallways: If they get painted great; if they don't, so what. No big deal. The inside of my apartment looks nice and that's where I'll be most of the time.

As far as other life goes, Rob and I have been having extreme highs and lows. One minute we're doing fine; the next, we're both ready to scream. Last night was the most stressing of any since I've been back in Boston.

Rob and I couldn't think of anything to do, so I called Helen and Erika to see what they were doing... nothing. So we agreed to meet them at their apartment and go see Titanica at the Museum of Science.

Long story very much shorter, Rob was upset with me because I'm still obsessed with this red head deal. Erika agged him on, pointing out how I was extremely cruel to him, and basically, the two ganged up on me repeatedly telling me how bad of a person I was.

I said, "That's okay. I'll bitch about you two online later."

Erika asked if I was writing about her and I said that yes, I was. This sparked a whole new debate on how I shouldn't be writing about her. I explained how I wrote about what was happening in my life...how I didn't tell stuff that wasn't directly related to me. Well, Erika wanted to know if I'd written about her before. I was sure that I had just because she was part of the people I interacted with, but I couldn't remember what I wrote. I told her as much.

Since I knew Rob had pretty much memorized these from start to finish, I asked him if he remembered what I'd written about Erika. After a little more questioning, he said, "Something about someone getting laid" or something similar to that. I was floored. I could not believe that he said that. It wasn't, "He wrote about how you got upset when he said that you needed to get laid." The way he worded it, I could have been talking about anything from her having sex to her lack of having sex to anything. Things just kept getting worse.

The only person that kept me from completely going bonkers was Helen. I focused all my attention on her and tried to ignore Rob and Erika as much as possible. Helen, also thinking that they were being harsh on me, stuck by my side while we walked around Faneuil Hall. When we neared the entrance, Helen saw a balloon stand and said that I should buy Rob one. I told her no, but I'd buy her one, which I did.

For the next hour or so, I laughed until I cried watching Helen's five foot stature carrying a helium balloon more than three feet in diameter. It was a much needed relief.

For some unknown reason, though, Erika and Rob wanted to prolong the night and thus walked down towards the harbor. As we passed the horse-drawn carriages, I fantasized about riding in one of them with Sean. That thought occupied my mind for a few moments before reality came back in focus.

After walking a good piece, we decided to go back to Helen and Erika's. As we were getting on the T, Erika asked me if I was going to dry the flowers which Rob bought me much earlier in the night... before he and Erika started their cooperative bashing efforts

Anyway, I asked Erika, "Why?" To which she answered, "As a momento"

"Of what?!? You and Rob ganging up on me."

By the time we got off the T, she apologized for meddling and said that she realized the stress I must be going through as well.

We stayed at their place for a bit, but left around 12:20AM in order to catch the last T inbound.

Once we got back here, Rob and I had yet another discussion about what I wanted. I told him, as kindly as possible, that I was going to hold out for a red head.

Before the next hour was up, Rob was laying on my bed hugging me as we both cried. I told him that I want to be ga ga over someone who's also ga ga over me, but that I hated hurting people along the way looking for my red head. I explained how I knew I'm destined for a red head as much as I knew I'm gay. How do I know I'm gay? I can't explain, but it's with that much certainty that I also know that I'll never be completely happy until I have a red head.

Today's been the same as all those days before last night. Odd, but I'm not complaining.

September 17

10:57AM

Well, after Rob read last night's entry, he went into another fit of depression. I tried pulling him out of it for a while and finally gave up. Since it was a little before 8PM, I told him that I'd give him a call around midnight and left.

As I was walking away from his apartment, I was expecting him to chase up behind me and bring me back... at least to talk or something: That didn't happen. The further I walked, the more I realized that for the next four hours, I was going to be completely alone with no where to go. Waiting until October 1st for an apartment started to seem like a really bad idea.

After getting some money from the ATM and wandering a bit, I decided that a movie would be the best place for me to stay and that perhaps it would get my mind off the whole situation. So I went towards the Copley Place theatres to see what was playing. Right before I got there, though, I ran into two girls I knew from BU.

They were waiting to see the 9:30PM showing of Clueless and thus had a while to spare. They asked me how I was doing and I explained how I'd gotten back on Monday and taking a break from Rob. Eventually, they asked if I wanted to go see Clueless with them. I said that I wasn't sure, but I'd go look (to see what movies were playing). As my luck would have it, Clueless was sold out.

Thinking their were no other good movies playing, I went to a payphone and called Erika's/Helen's number. Erika answered and talked to me for a few seconds, but then said "Hold on" and gave the phone to Helen. I told Helen how I was at a Copley Place telephone and why I was there. She didn't seem sympathetic at all. Rather, "You deserved it." in a slightly nicer tone... something about how Rob's upsetness was "much deserved." I quickly said, "Goodbye" and hung up.

I decided I'd see what was playing at the Cheri and thus walked through a couple of malls and a hotel to the other end of the building. Hackers started at 9:25PM. It was 9:26PM, just right.

I bought a ticket and went inside... to watch the worst movie I've seen in the last year. It's tampering with FBI computers was straight out of The Net and it's virus infecting, stealing money, done by the programmer and not another bad guy like everyone thought, was all too familiar. If I had had anywhere else to go, I would have left after the first thirty minutes.

After the movie was over, I went to a pay phone near the Cheri and called Rob's number. I walked home and then another serious conversation began.

He apologized "for his behavior" and then we talked a little trying to figure out where our relationship stood.

That conversation wasn't very successful, more of him getting mad and me getting fed up. When it ended and Rob had gone back in his bedroom, I picked up the phone and called Sean. (I would have called him while I was out alone, but I didn't have his number.) Sean and I talked for about ten minutes then I told him that I had to go. I wasn't calling Sean to get back at Rob: I was calling him because I missed talking with him and really needed someone to listen and side with me.

After I hung up with Sean, I walked back into Rob's room to see how he was doing... we started talking again. Basically, me not calling him my boyfriend has always been an issue with him. To me, my lack of that terminology was because I knew I'd leave him for a cute red head that treated me nice. To him, it was like our relationship wasn't real. I also asked Rob how Sean fit in the picture; was he really expecting me just to cut him off.

Anyway, we talked and talked until I finally told him that the only way that I could be his boyfriend is if I were allowed to "look, drool, and talk" with red heads. He reluctantly agreed, but then I backed out. I realized that I was being extremely pressured to do something that I really didn't want to do. A few minutes later, we agreed that we'd sleep on it. He went to his bed and I fell asleep in mine.

This morning, Rob asked me what I thought and we talked for about ten more minutes. After he asked me a few questions like, "Would you rather I be unhappy now when you don't have a red head or later when you actually do?" his point finally came through... I was trying so hard not to hurt him in the future that I was hurting him now.

I told Rob that I'd be his boyfriend on the provisos that I could still keep the red headed knight search online, that I could look, drool, and talk with other red heads, and that I could entertain Sean or any other red headed guy who came to visit. I told Rob that I'd tell him if anything more than a peck on the lips happened (which I'm almost certain will), but that just a peck couldn't get me any flak from him. He agreed, and thus, we're now boyfriends with the above provisos... I'm not going to say that all the time, (I don't think I will, at least) "with provisos" that is. You guys all know it from reading it here, he knows it, and if any red headed guy comes along and interests me, I'll make sure he knows it.

... if you know what I mean

Hopefully, this'll be the last conversation Rob and I have about our relationship for a good while and hopefully, we can be more productive as far as the RJ venture and relationship are concerned.

September 19

12:44PM

Sunday night, I was reading my e-mail with Rob reading it over my shoulder when I got a letter from Sean commenting on the above entry. Sean made all the points that I'd already made. Wasn't I just setting Rob up for a bigger fall? Is Rob seeing the big picture or just what makes him happy? Etc. etc...

I asked Rob if he was upset or if he was mad at Sean for saying those things, he said no and we went to sleep.

Yesterday, I was woken to Rob sitting on my bed with a paper bag which he gave to me. In it, there was a card which read:

Justin,

     It is you, not I, who has been unselfish
since you came. I realize this now that you've
tried to make me happy by consenting to my
wishes. I haven't been fair to you because it
is I who should be helping you in your
time of need, moving to Boston.
     I am so sorry. I want nothing in return
for helping you, because you are my best
friend, and will always be so.
     My worst offense has been to pressure
you into an uncomfortable position, taking
advantage of our friendship and your
dependence on my immediate provisions for your
stay, however unknowingly.
     I want so much for you to be happy. You
may think I "put up" with you, but you've
always been a friend that I love. I don't
think recently I've been as much of a friend
to you, and for that I am sad.
     Please forgive me. I can't change the
past, but I can change my outlook. I don't
want to alienate you.

                      Sorrowfully,
                      Rob

I was a major relief to me to know that he understands what pressure he put on me. His card set the tone for the day and we didn't argue once.

In other news, yesterday I responded to an ad in the Boston Sunday Globe seeking cashiers at Micro Center, a computer retail store in Cambridge.

As Rob and I walked in the door, I saw a guy wearing a suit pushing a shopping cart back into it bin and thought, "I don't think I have the clothes to work here." I then looked around the store and at the cashiers to see while they weren't wearing uniforms, they were dressed nicely... nicely I can handle.

I asked the door person where I needed to go and she directed me to the Leasing/Financing counter where I filled out an application and basically rewrote everything I'd written on my resume.

When I was done, the clerk said she would call back to see if anyone was still at the human resources office. She did and they were.

Following the clerks directions, I entered through a door that said Employees Only to find another that said Human Resources: Walk In. I did and waited for someone to come out.

A lady took my application and enveloped resume. "Just let me make sure you got everything," she said before looking over the front and back of the sheet. "Okay. It'll take about 7 to 10 days for your application to be processed, but then we'll contact you by phone or by mail." I said okay and left.

This morning, someone from Micro Center called and I set up an appointment for an interview. A job as a cashier at a computer store would be much better than a job at a restaurant... even if I will have to walk quite a bit to get there.