Justin's Life... September 21 - 30, 1995

My life... September 21 - 30, 1995

September 21

Last night, Rob experienced his first night of clubbing. We'd each bought an outfit last Thursday but were too tired to use them. And somehow, I'd managed to obtain an appearance of someone over 21. [Hey, I wouldn't want to incriminate myself, now would I.] So Rob was nervous about it being his first time out and I was nervous about appearing older.

After I got dressed in my blue leather vested outfit and Rob put on his matching green leather vest, we got on the T and headed for Manray, a nightclub which reserves Thursdays "for men and thier friends". As we sat on the T, I was getting increasingly nervous, not only about the "age" thing, but also because we looked very gay. I couldn't remember looking that gay with Norm last year, but, as I told Rob, I was unsure if that was because I was looking more gay now or because I didn't look as gay in comparison with Norm.

Anyway, we soon found Manray's entrance and I was finding it hard to breathe. The lady in front of us didn't get in because her only ID was one issued by Harvard without her birthdate.

"Next in line," said the huge guy checking ID's. I handed him mine and after a couple of seconds, he said, "Stamp."; thereby telling the other guy to stamp my hand because I was over 21. I tried not to smile too largely as I entered the door and paid the $3.00 admission. (Admission for 18-20 year olds is $5.)

We walked further inside the dimly lit, but extremely loud, club and took in the sights for a couple of minutes. Rob said that he was suffering from culture shock and needed a drink so we went to the bar. I asked him what he was ordering and he said a "Melon Mall" or something like that. He added that I could try it, so I said okay.

He got it and I tried it. It was okay, but as I told him, "Pepsi has nothing to worry about."

Wanting to assert my newfound age, I asked Rob again what his drink was and went to the bar to order one for myself. For $5, I had a Melon Mall of my own.

Rob and I drank our drinks (which, incidentally, were the only drinks we had all night) and then started dancing. He was a little rigid at first, but soon loosened up.

After we danced for a while, I saw a guy who I remembered as being one of Steve's friends at Emerson... but I couldn't remember his name. So, as I danced with Rob, I tried to figure out how to ask Steve's friend (who I later found out was named Jake) if he knew Steve's whereabouts without it seeming like I was just talking to him for information. I told Rob, "Arghhh. If I only had my diary.

Eventually, though, Jake turned in my direction and recognized me. I moved over towards him and asked "Is Steve here?" "Steve who?" "Steve [Smith]?" He said yes and then I began furiously scanning the crowd to see if he was anywhere in sight. He wasn't, but I kept looking.

A while later, someone tapped me on the shoulder: It was Steve. We talked for about five minutes and exchanged phone numbers. During our conversation, he told me how one of his ex-boyfriends recently asked him, "Are you still dating Justin Clouse?" and then went on to explain that he'd read it online. I told Steve that yeah, a guy had written me asking if the Steve in my diaries was in fact, Steve [Smith] but that I didn't tell him one way or the other. Steve didn't seem to be upset, just amused at his online fame. After all, Steve did read it all for himself last spring. Before we finished talking, I asked, "Is he your boyfriend?" as I looked towards the guy Steve was with who was sitting about five feet from us. He replied that it was their first date and that he was a really close friend. I said "Yeah, this is my really close friend Rob whom I'm staying with until my apartment is ready."

We parted ways and Rob and I began to dance again. After a while, I started missing Norm... really missing Norm. He was a big part of what made clubbing fun.

Anyway, the night continued and Rob seemed to be having more fun as time went on. He soon saw a guy who caught his eye and told me as much. I told Rob to go for it, but an hour or so later, when the club closed at 1AM, Rob was standing behind the unaware guy. Oh, well...

As we were walking out the club doors, I once again was next to Steve and I tapped him, saying "See you later." He said, "Give me a call and I'll try to call you, too." It was nice and I was happy that he seemed interested in me, but it was nothing like in the spring. I was far from ga ga.

Most of the night, all I could think about was Sean and how he related to the whole situation. Yeah, I know that's sorta crazy especially considering that I still haven't even seen him, but I did it nevertheless. I still don't quite know what it is about Sean: Our personalities just mesh. Anyway, I kept wishing that he were there and that I could dance close to him.

Once we were outside, we started walking back towards Rob's apartment and I started getting depressed. I thought the clubbing would cheer me up, but it didn't. Life is so unstable for me. No job, an apartment that I'll probably get, and a few guys (Rob & Sean) that I don't know exactly what to do with. I need the RJ venture to start. I need something that I can throw myself into, something to occupy my time. Hopefully, Rob will finish his part of the stuff soon and we'll get on our way.

September 26

10:24PM

A few things have happened since I last wrote:

Jobwise, I'm still unemployed, but I did give my resume to a copy store seeking counter staff applicants on Monday. I've yet to hear anything, but I'm keeping my hopes up.

Robwise, things are still going fine.

Seanwise, he seems to have lost interest, but says that it's been because he's busy with work and school. Yesterday, I finally got a picture of him and he's cute... not quite what I expected, but nice nevertheless.

Apartmentwise, everything seems to be working. Yesterday I called to have the electricity and phone turned on when I move in. I also arranged for my mom to send me my computer so that it'll arrive on Monday. I can't wait to finally have my own computer again. (I'm still using emacs in Xwindows to do this.)

Netwise, earlier today I got e-mail from a guy named Nathan who asked if I was aware that his business partner Shane had put an exact copy of my music files and HTML on their server. He was wanting to know if I'd given his partner permission to do as much.

When I read his e-mail, I didn't worry about it too much. I thought it was probably a case of pseudo-plagarizing... sorta like the stuff you did in middle school reports. You know, changing a few words. switching stuff around, leaving a little out, etc, but I checked out the URL and it was an exact copy of my gaysong.html and midi.html pages... even my little intro paragraphs. Everything... And to top it all off, there was a huge copyright notice on the top of their pages. What a crock!

I looked around a little further and found that this guy Shane had a personal page with a link to "Justins Cool Page". The guy couldn't even copy that right. With each passing minute, I was becoming more infuriated... but I didn't write Nathan back. I wanted to wait and show Rob what was happening.

Anyway, a hour or so later, Rob came back from class and I showed him what had happened. I then wrote Nathan and told him, "...if only you would have asked or say, given me access to your art gallery, I'm sure we could of worked something out... a little line stating that I contributed the page or ANYTHING... but it's too late for that now." Before I finished my letter, though, I thanked him for his e-mail and his efforts.

Since then, he has written to apologize, to say that he's removed my page from their server, and to give me access to their art gallery.

September 27

1:14AM Technically September 28th

Today's been okay, but just that. Most notably, this morning I got and replied to this letter from Sean:

--- Slightly Edited For Misspellings and Clarity ---

> (although not being as cute as you had
> hoped I would have been kind of made me
> think twice)
        To be totally honest, no, you didn't look anything
like I imagined... but the more I looked at your pictures,
the more I liked them... the one of you making a snow angel
is really cute.... I'd still like to see more... maybe
something a little more recent and close up... I mean, I
know it's hard taking pictures of yourself, especially if
you don't have a camera with a timer on it... but if you
could possibly take some more of you, I'd appreciate it...
you can just send me the roll of film if you don't have
the $$ to spare for the processing.

> I have just been re-evaluating things in my life lately.
> Mainly my sexuality.  I am desprately in love with you,
> but I am still attracted to young women in a way I can't
> deny.  It's not that I can't chose, I think it is mainly
> that I don't wanna choose just yet.  I'm very scared.
        I think your last sentence in this paragraph says
it all. Are you really sexually attracted to young women
or is it that you're trying to hold on to what you know?
I mean 24 years of acting one way is hard to change...
like, coming out to friends that I went to school
with for 12 years was a lot harder than people I just
met... but I did it and you can too... Are you sure you
aren't trying to force yourself into a role that you
think will be easier to fill? :-)

> I don't want everyone to know that I have gay feelings
        This is another key sentence... you don't say,
"I don't want everyone to know that I am gay." You make
it more distanced from you by saying "gay feelings"
I'm not criticizing: I did it too. I'm just showing you
what you're really saying. You've got to be able to
accept yourself before you can even THINK about anyone else.

> I think that is mainly why I haven't called you lately,
> or seemed kind of aloof when on the phone with you.  I
> still have the same intense feelings for you, but I
> am afraid where they might lead as of right now.
        What do you mean, "You're afraid where they
might lead."? Are you sure that isn't just an excuse?
What are you afraid of as far as I go?... that you might
find happiness? :-)

> I want to come out to see you, or if you go to
> California, I would love to tag along, you still occupy
> my thoughts quite often, and the thought of spending
> time with you is almost euphoric!! I hope you don't
> hate me, or have lost interest in me, even though I
> am not a cute as you wanted me to me...:(  Well,
> with that said, on with the letter, and more
> excuses...
        No, I haven't lost interest... yet, but you're
making it difficult to stay interested. I had the best
time talking with you all those nights... your voice
is so cute... and like I said, the more I see your
pictures, the more I like them... but you've got to keep
me interested... I'm getting a little ahead of myself,
I'll explain what I mean a little further down this
letter... ---I'd like for you to come to Boston, but
how... if you don't even have time to call me? :-(

> I will also tell you why I haven't called as
> much lately....my pocket book went into shock
> with the last phone bill, and hasn't recovered yet.
> Beside the fact that my roommates are kind of
> looking at me wierd when I get phone calls from
> a certain Kentuckian at one in the morning for
> five consecutive nights....they might start to
> think that I am gay, and that would really mess
> things up for me....you don't want that, do you?
> I just tell them that you are my friend from
> Kentucky.... who is going to school in Boston,
> but they do think it is a bit strange when you
> or I call so often. Please don't take offense,
> if you do, just refer to the above paragraph,
> and that should help out a bit.
        Now here's where the ____ hits the fan.
        Your pocket book? Well, that I can understand,
but I think you could spare the 15 cents to call my
pager so that I could call you back.
        Calling at 1AM? Well, that was only because
you called me at 2AM and I thought that was when you
were most likely to be home and available to talk.
        Your roommates? I've gone through this before
and while I don't take offense really, I do take
exception. No, I'm lying; I do take offense. Like I
said before, you're going to have to accept yourself
before you worry about anyone else. It's one thing to
say that the person you "love" (by your own words) is
only a friend. It's QUITE another to actually treat
that person ( or anyone that you care about )
differently because you're worried what your roommates
would think. I mean, before I knew if my second roommate
knew whether I was gay or not, I didn't throw it in his
face or say anything about it, but I didn't treat other
people differently. I can live with you telling your
roommates that I'm only a friend. I can not live
worrying about your roommates and knowing that I'm
being treated differently, like a nuscance because of
them. I won't live like that. I've got too much
self-esteem and you should too. I'm as good as any
straight guy and so are you.
        Talk to you soon, but you're going to have
to do some serious thinking in the meantime...
                                                Justin

PS If you ever decide to call my pager, the number
   is (617)###-####
   (Yes, there is a bit of bitterness in the PS...
    just making the point that you're treating me
    as less of a person because of your roommates.)

I really resent feeling like I'm not able to call him. When I first dated Adam and he wasn't out, he used to make me take a different sidewalk so that his friends wouldn't see us together. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.