Justin's Life... February 23-29, 1996

February 23, 1996

11:46PM

Earlier this past Sunday night, I wrote Greg to say hi and ask if he'd like to go see a movie or something this week. He wrote back to say this week would be extremely busy for him, but that we could "see a movie or take a drive" I wasn't quite sure I was comfortable riding somewhere with him. --The whole evasiveness of our first date, combined with other little "It-just-doesn't-feel-right"s, had really put my trusting level of Greg on a much slower track.--

Anyway, I wrote back and said a drive or movie would be nice. Once I found out that I was flying to Pennsylvania to meet Werner, I wrote Greg to tell him as much, but to say that we could still get together before I left. But I didn't hear anything from Greg.

Finally, last night, Greg called to ask me if I'd like to get together tonight. I said that I was busy, but that we could squeeze dinner or a movie in.

In the meantime, I was online and downloaded a few movie trailers from Hollywood Online... and then Windows broke yet AGAIN. I was trying to associate .avi files with Net Toob instead of the media player and Windows magically decided the driver to play .avi files didn't exist. I stayed up several hours (until a little after 7AM) trying to get it to work again, but to no avail.

When I woke up at around noon, I called Microsoft support's toll number and spent the next hour talking to a guy who didn't really know what he was doing. I mean, he knew Windows well enough to help the average user, but I needed technical support. Finally he transferred me to a "Multimedia Specialist" who guided me through a few things, but none of them worked. Nearly two hours after I'd called, the second guy said he'd give me a call back because he couldn't find his supervisor. Before I hung up, though, I asked him if re-installing Windows 95 on top of itself would help. He said it might, but that it also might screw up everything, and gave me some pointers about backing up a few key files.

A few minutes later, I initiated the installation of Windows 95 for the 11th time. Nearly an hour later, the computer rebooted and Video For Windows files played. TaDa!... but not quite. The modem, or rather COM3, disappeared again. This time, though, it wasn't an interrupt conflict: COM3 was completely gone. I nosed around for a while and eventually found it in "Other Devices," and now it's working fine again. (And to tell the truth, it's much better than Windows 3.1... if I could just keep it working long enough.)

Back to Greg; tonight at 6:36PM, he called to ask if I'd like to grab a bite to eat. I thought about it and said sure. He buzzed the door at a little before 7:30PM and I headed downstairs and on into his car. I glanced at the license plate and psuedo-attempted to memorize it, but didn't.

Before we'd gotten far from my apartment, I'd asked Greg about his week and he was telling me details about his job, something he'd never done before. It was like the guard he'd put up before was gone and I could feel myself starting to trust him more already. I mean, he mentioned on the phone that we could go to the North End for Italian, but we drove and drove and I knew we were going a lot farther than the North End, but I wasn't really worried about it. And just as I thought that, he said in kase I was wondering, he was going up route so-and-so because great restaurants were there. I said okay and we moved onto the next subject.

Pretty soon, we passed a restaurant called "Border Cafe" and Greg got ecstatic about eating there. He said he hadn't had Tex-Mex in months and his excitement was really cute.

We found a place to turn around and pulled into the parking lot. A valet took the car and we went inside, put Greg's name on the list, and talked in the lobby. We got to know each other even more during that conversation and during the meal. The apprehension I had was completely gone.

When it came time to pay the bill, I grabbed it and said I was paying, but Greg insisted that he be the one to pay since he invited me out. I fought for a bit then gave in.

We headed back, drove through Cambridge, and then drove in front of my apartment. Greg said he would let me out (I didn't know if he'd planned to go upstairs or not, but he knew I was busily preparing to leave tomorrow morning). He parked the car and I said that I had a nice time, thanked him for dinner a couple times and leaned over to give him a kiss. He kissed me back and I got out.

I had the best time tonight. It was koool.

February 24, 1996

6:27AM Written in Notepad

I'm at the airport waiting for my seven o'clock flight. I'm starting to get psyched but I don't really think that whole idea has set in. I'm actually flying to Pennsylvania to meet a red headed guy that I "met" on the net. That's pretty outrageous, even for me.

A Little Later No Watch

As I was riding in the cab in this morning, I couldn't help but feel a little guilty taking roses to Werner when I've never given any to Greg. I can't get over what a great time I had last night.

Sometime After That

Four people have commented on the roses. First, the newstand cashier said they were beautiful, then the front flight attendant asked if they were for her, then a passenger farther back in the plane asked if they were for her, and finally one of the rear flight attendants said how lovely they were... If only they knew they were for a guy.

It now appears that the plane is boarded and the two seats next to me are still empty. Koool.

Shortly After Take Off

We're still heading upwards and I can't see anything but white outside. I figured my flight this morning would be cancelled, like the one to NYC, but I guess not.

Between 14,000 - 28,000 Feet

The flight attendants gave the seat-belt-light-is-off speech but then came back on to say turbulence was expected ahead and we should stay seated.

Speaking of turbulence, earlier this week, Rob decided he can no longer see me at all. I had suggested we take a break from each other since it's been more stress than fun lately (He's still in love with me and I'm still looking for that red head.), but he e-mailed to say that a more permanent "fix" was necessary. He even mailed the keys to my apartment back. I was down about it for a while and I miss talking to him, but I know it's for the best. He needs to be able to move on, but I know he can't do that if I'm in the picture.

Final Descent - 50 Miles From The Airport

Well, we're now 10 minutes away and I still haven't gotten excited like it would seem I should be. Of course, if I remember correctly, I never get excited when I'm still on the plane.

February 26, 1996

7:33PM

Well, I arrived the airport to see a 5'7" guy who looked much older than the pictures he had sent. (Maybe it's just me. This seems to be a recurring theme.) I had tried to gauge what 5'7" would be like, but I was wrong. This guy was short, which was a definite plus.

After I noticed just how short he was, I saw how flat he walked. It was as if he were gliding: His head didn't bob or sway at all. All I could think was, "This guy is going to be so stuffy. I can't believe I'm here for two days." but as we walked to the parking lot, we started talking and I remembered our playful phone conversations.

By the time we'd gotten into the car, I noticed that his hair wasn't really red either. For me, "red hair" is fire engine red or traffic cone orange. His hair was more of a red-brown.

Anyway, an hour or so later, we arrived at his apartment, which was several times larger than mine. He had a living room, a dining room, a kitchen, bathroom and two bedrooms, and he payed less than I do for my studio apartment.

I talked to Werner for a bit while I sat on the couch and he sat in a chair. He seemed to be keeping a large distance between us, so I remarked about it and he came over to sit on the couch.

Before long, I was sitting with my eyes shut, trying to pay attention to what Werner was saying. --I'd only slept for an hour and a half since I had to be up at 5AM to go to the airport.-- He asked me if I wanted to take a nap and the first few times I refused, saying that it was stupid for me to fly out to see him then sleep. Eventually, though, I caved in and took a four hour nap.

When I woke, I found Werner asleep on the couch, so I figured I'd let him sleep a little while I called Larry to check-in. We talked for about ten minutes, then I woke Werner.

From there, we hung around, watching TV for a bit and talking until I suggested that I cook him dinner and we rent a movie. We went to the grocery, picked up a couple of steaks, some corn, and so forth then got Priscilla: Queen of the Desert and Death Becomes Her at the video store.

When we got home, Werner helped me fix dinner and we ate in the dining room before heading back to the couch. Before we started the movies, though, I explained how Werner and I probably weren't going to be husbands, that the spark just wasn't there. He seemed fine with that and then we began the movie, with him lying back on me with my arm around him.

It was so koool just sitting there with me lying on the arm of the couch and Werner reclining on me.

So anyway, we watched the movies and then a couple of infomercials before heading to bed at around 4:30AM.

Yesterday, I woke at shortly after 10AM, but saw Werner's door was closed, so I went back to sleep. At noon, I woke again and got up to find Werner in his shorts and T-shirt in the kitchen. We talked for a few minutes then he said he was going to take a shower. I said I was going to grunge it and a while later, he was dressed and we decided to head to a mall.

I packed my backpack and shortly thereafter, we arrived at a mall where we bought each other a CD. (Actually, he wanted the Priscilla soundtrack, but wouldn't let me buy it for him. And I wanted the Waiting To Exhale soundtrack, but passed on it. So, when he said he wouldn't let me pay for the Priscilla soundtrack, --He paid for everything else, so I figured the least I could do would be to buy him a CD.-- I told him to buy me the Exhale CD and I'd buy the Priscilla CD for him. That way, each of us would think of the other when we played our CD.

So we bought the CD's and ate at McDonald's after hanging around for a while.

Around 5PM, I suggested we see a movie and after visiting a few movie theatres, we found Muppets' Treasure Island was playing at 5:10PM. Werner bought two tickets and we went inside to the movie which had just begun. (It was a really funny movie, by the way. )

Once it was over, there was a little more time than expected until I needed to be at the airport, so we headed back to Werner's. As were leaving the parking lot, though, I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He said "My first kiss" and I said it was only on his cheek. I actually sorta amazed myself. Normally I would have kissed him on the lips just so that I could say I was the first guy who kissed him. I guess I must be maturing a little.

So anyway, by the time we got to Werner's apartment, the extra time was gone. After a quick stop, we headed back towards the airport.

Werner and I talked as we waited for the plane to board. Soon, though, it did board and I told Werner I had a good time and said good-bye.

I was on a little high from the really nice weekend when I got on the plane and found my seat, 23F, was occupied. I said "I'm in 23F", thinking that surely since I'd just flown out the day before, my ticket would have been correct. The lady sitting there looked at her ticket and replied that she was, indeed, assigned to 23F.

So I pushed the call button and sat in 23E, waiting for its real owner to arrive on this sold out flight. It's owner did arrive and I apologized, explained the situation, and moved out of the way.

Soon after, the flight attendant arrived and asked what the problem was. The lady and I gave her our tickets and she called someone. Shortly, thereafter, two other guys were standing with me because their seats had also been double-assigned.

A while later, one of the flight attendants as if I was passenger Clouse then explained that I was the person assigned to 23F and could sit there or I could wait until the other seats were cleared and sit somewhere else. I asked to make sure that would indeed have a seat, then said that I would wait, standing by the lavatory. I thought for sure the lady in 23F would turn around to thank me since it was obvious that she heard the conversation, but she didn't. She just sighed and went back to her book. If I'd known she was going to act like that, I would have booted the bitch out and sat where I belonged.

Once everyone had been seated and the flow of passengers stopped, the flight attendant came back and said, "Mr. Clouse, you can sit where you'd like, then we're going to allow the stand-bys to board."

I sat in a nearby aisle seat, one that had no one next to it, and waited for someone to come fill the middle seat.

A while later, the flight attendant touched me on the arm, then said "Oh it's you" and kept on a walking. Eventually she came back and said that she hated to ask me if I'd move again but that a mother and son wanted to sit together. I said okay, then the flight attendant said "Oh, thank you. Drinks are on me." and directed me to the emergency exit row.

I then started perplexing the idea of actually having a drink on board. I didn't want anything, but the idea of getting one had an appeal. I decided if she asked me again, I'd say okay, but otherwise, I'd just have a coke. It turned out, though, that she wasn't the one who gave me a drink, so a Coke was my choice.

But when she came back by, she said "They didn't treat you like I would have" and handed me a handful of bags of peanuts. The two women next to me asked why I was so special, so I explained then gave each of them one of the peanut bags.

Before I knew it, we were landing back in Boston. I took the T home, played online, then fell asleep.

Visiting Pennsylvania really got me to start thinking about life. It was so nice to go places in a car, to stay in a place bigger than 300 square feet, and to just hang out with someone. I miss all those things a lot. I don't really have any reason to stay in Boston now. I mean, there was Rob, but that's gone. And the only psuedo-reason now would be Greg, but I haven't even heard from him since Friday night. I just can't see myself committed to someone who doesn't even e-mail or call to say "Hi". I wrote him an e-mail to say how nice a time I had Friday and left a message on his voice mail to re-iterate... but still, not one word from him.

February 28, 1996

9:09AM

Last night I was filling out the application to USC when I realized that I'd need a few things from home, such as letters of recommendation and financial records. So this morning I woke at 8AM to call my mom so that she could look in my room for them.

I guided her through each of the boxes, but she couldn't find anything except BU and Manhattan College related items. The BU stuff was all post-application and I'd applied to Manhattan College a year early, so it was outdated.

About thirty minutes later, I insisted that a box had to exist with the applications to the six other schools. --I applied to seven schools senior year (and got into all of them.)-- She then asked if it could have been at the video store. I remember that I'd had it there and said yes. She responded that she thought she threw it away... my applications, college essays, transcripts... all thrown away!

I wanted to cry and scream, "What the fuck were you thinking? The store is completely full of worthless shit everywhere and you throw away my irreplaceable college things." but I simply said, "Well, I better go now before I get upset." Before I hung up, I told her to just go ahead and send the stuff she'd found in my room, and she'd already lost it.

I'm still upset. I'm simply dumbfounded.

10:08AM

Mom just called to say that she found the box at the store.

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