Justin's Life... November 2-5, 1996

November 2, 1996

5:13PM

So much has happened lately: I don't know where to begin.

Every so often I like to have a little break from the stresses of life. A little mini trip, like the ones to Las Vegas and San Francisco with Larry, just to get away for the weekend. Each time, though, Larry has to frantically search for someone who'll take care of the dogs. Lately, I've been wanting to take another one of those mini trips, but the same "Who'll babysit and watch over the dogs?" question remained.

In comes, Lee, this straight guy Larry found after several phone calls. The first night, two and a half weeks ago, Larry, he and I met here at the house. From what I can remember and what I wrote in e-mail, we just hung out and talked. He was definitely cute enough and had a great personality, but straight. Nonetheless, it was obvious that he would be much more than some dogsitter. The next day he wrote:

Hey Justin, I just wanted to let you know, that I had fun with you and Larry yesterday. It's cool to be with people who are so open and honest about life. I'm also glad I was able to leave with all my clothes on! :) So how was the ski meeting? Were there any red headed snowmen?

I responded:

Lee,
[ I just wanted to let you know, that I had fun with you and Larry yesterday. ]*grin* You seemed to be pretty chipper, but it's good to hear as much. :-)
[ It's cool to be with people who are so open and honest about life. ]Yep, honesty is a quality that seems harder and harder to find, but you don't strike me as too much of a "Yes" man. ;-)
[ I'm also glad I was able to leave with all my clothes on! :) ]What?!? We would never _make_ you take your clothes off. *smile* As much as we harass/tease you, it's all in fun and with no ill intentions. Basically it's one of those things that's sorta fun to talk about, to get the other person thinking about his sexuality. I mean, if you've talked with your gay friends in any detail, you'll know that they spent several long hours (week, months, years) analyzing their sexuality and that's something I don't think straight guys really ever do. I don't think straight guys hardly ever ask themselves, "Am I not attracted to him because that's what society tells me or because I'm really not attracted to him?" Know what I mean? So that's one of the other reasons we were "harassing" you. Maybe you just never thought about it. *wink*
[ So how was the ski meeting? Were there any red headed snowmen? ]No red headed snowmen, but there was at least one other gay guy there. I got "elected" to be the club's Public Relations officer. "elected" because no one else volunteered. *grin* Do you ski? We can bring anyone we'd like along with us on the trips. Would you be interested, possibly, on going on any of the ski trips?
[ I know this letter is short, but I'll send you another one soon. ]Okley, dokely, I'll guess I'll get it then... I've still got about three more pages to write on this paper that's due at 9AM. It's already 3AM, so I better get back to work... talk to you later,
Justin

What happened after that is sorta a blur until Monday, the 14th. Larry, he, and I went out to dinner at the Country Star.

During the course of the meal, we talked and talked. There was definitely a kindred spirit here. He may not have ever been with a guy and may have been straight as could be, but there was something special. Larry and I had discussed at length (and know from experience ) the benefits of having three people in a relationship and here was someone who could have been the perfect third... but straight.

Straight or not, that didn't keep me from flirting, but the difference in sexual orientation, perhaps along with the potential employer/employee relationship, did seem to cause Lee to keep an artificial distance as far we were concerned. He seemed to be putting up a wall, being social but apprehensive. I'm an in your face, total honesty type of guy and giving me anything less than your all just won't do. And so, I called him on it. -- Of course, I did have a glass of vodka that Larry ordered and which I snuck when the waiter wasn't looking, so I was a little more playfully honest/confrontational than normal.

I don't remember how he responded, but somehow or the other, we got to the subject of getting into the hottub. It seemed like a great idea to me. By being naked in the hottub, he would be baring forth himself in the mental sense in that it showed trust and well, I admit, I would get to view this cute straight boy naked. Yee-ha!

And so, on the drive back towards the house, I asked if he'd get in the hottub. I'm pretty sure I'd asked before, but on that night, I was particularly persistent. Before it had just been a casual question, "Want to get in the hottub?" but now I was arguing the point of getting into the hottub.

Once I was done and after Larry supported my points and vouched that I wouldn't attack him, Lee said it would be nice, but that on that night he wanted to go home. He did, though, say that it would happen, just not that night.

Later that night, I found a message from him which read:

Justano, What's up ? I have to give you credit for being persistent. You brought up some valid arguments tonight, but I think I felt out of place since I was the only one not wearing cowboy boots. :) I guess I was just in a wimpy mood. I think the more I know you, the more I'll let myself relax. Well I'm sure we'll go out again sometime in the near future. See ya,
Lee

In the meantime, I wrote to him:

Subject: Too Intense... Me???? :)Howdy! The vodka's now worn off, so I wanted to e-mail to make sure that you were ok over there in your little apartment. I really wasn't trying to get you in the hottub for any sexual purpose, but just to show you that you can be comfortable around Larry and I. It's really important for all the people around me to feel comfortable and I can still tell there's a lot of apprehension where you're concerned. Sure, you're partially relaxed, but like you said you still keep that guard up. Only you can answer why... :-)
So anyway, I was just writing to say that I hope you're doing ok... I'll talk to you soon...

And to which he wrote back:

Subject: Re: Too Intense... Me???? :) I just read this message. Don't worry about tonight, it's always good to be put in the hot seat. It's interesting to see how I respond. Just give me more time to hang out with you, I'm sure I'll unwind. Alright?
bye.

The next couple of days after that, Lee and I exchanged several playful e-mails as did he and Larry, with us each developing a relationship intermixed yet independent of the other. The three of us talked on the phone quite a bit, too, and I just generally had that feel-good feeling. For example, one of his e-mails was:

So did you find some decent pants for Larry? How was class today? Did you actually go? Larry sent me a couple letters from jason. I can't believe that he thinks he's cool. He must think he's from kentucky. :) Well I'm off like larry's boxers.
Lee

And my response was:

[omitted], What's [omitted] you ask and why am I using it to begin this e-mail? Well, actually, it's nothing but you try coming up with an anagram for Lee [lastname]. [Omitted] is it. *grin* Anyway, Mr. I'm-too-sexy-for-my-shoes, how's things in your hood? Over here, we'z been shoppin' and pixed up some pantz for those chikn legz of Larry. He be stylin' now. And I can bareLEE (get it, "bare Lee" *grin*) wait 'til I git you in that there hot tub. I can bareLEE wait to see Lee bare. *big grin* Class today was CANCELLED!!!!! That Jason guy ain't from Kentucky. He wears shoes. Anyway, dude, thanks for your e-mail. It was most fun... Take care,
Justin

The playful interactions continued. One night Larry, Lee, and I went to dinner downtown at this Mexican restaurant called Kachina. One afternoon we hung out shopping. Another evening we met then went to the Price Club where Larry bought Lee a bunch of stuff and where we just had a general fun time hanging out.

As the three of us were at the checkout at the Price Club, once again the subject of the hot tub came up. I don't remember what exactly what said, but it was something to the effect of "I'm not getting wet tonight." with a smile. I harassed him for a few minutes then we went home where Larry cooked some chicken and we had a nice quiet dinner.

After touring the house next door, (Larry recently bought the house next door to his.) the three of us came back and had a little more to drink. Larry and Lee did blind taste tests of three different kinds of vodka, Larry fixed a couple margaritas, and the two of them had a little wine with dinner. No one was drunk, but each of us had a little buzz going on.

Eventually, around 11:30PM or so, we talked again about getting in the hot tub. Lee had already said that he wasn't getting wet, but I was determined.

When Larry got back from walking the dogs, he asked Lee if I was harassing him and he wanted to go home or into the hot tub. To my surprise, Lee said that he was "actually feeling sort of mellow." That was all the encouragement I needed: I knew he was going to get in.

Larry said he was going to check e-mail, but that the two of us should go ahead and get in. And so, Lee and I went out on the deck and began talking. He was mellow, but he wasn't anxious.

After several minutes of my pushing, Lee still hadn't removed any of his clothes to get in. And so, I took his shoes off and egged him on. It was getting cold and I didn't want to stand out there forever, so eventually I decided I'd be the one to go first. I took off all my clothes except for my shirt, stood next to the hot tub then removed my shirt and got in.

Lee still didn't get in. Instead, he simply took his socks off and dipped his feet in while sitting on the side... but his jeans were getting wet. I told him he was being crazy, and Larry came out to tell him the same. A few minutes later, Lee was taking his clothes off.

Earlier in the night, I'd playfully remarked that while Lee was much slimmer than Larry or myself, his abs weren't rippled. When he had his shirt off, he made a point to show me that his stomach was indeed nice. I had to agree... and the light dusting of chest hair was koool was well.

When everything had been removed but his boxers, I felt like I should look away as to let him get in without the pressure of my eyes staring you-know-where, but the temptation was too great. I moved my head to angle away, but my eyes couldn't remove themselves. He dropped his boxers, made no artificial gestures to hide himself (he didn't place his hand in front of his crotch) and got in, but due to the almost non-existent light on the deck, I couldn't see much. Nonetheless, the idea that I was in the hot tub with a naked straight boy was just too koool.

The fact that he trusted me, albeit under slight duress, was too awesome. I didn't get "aroused" at the fact that he was there, it was more of a super warm-fuzzy feeling.

As time went on, the two of talked and the distance between us lessened. I pulled the hair on his leg, but that was as close as I got to touching him until Larry came out.

He took his clothes off and got in... and while he was there, the three of us relaxed. Larry showed affection towards me, by hugging and kissing, then massaging my feet. I massaged his feet back for a few minutes, then took one of Lee's feet as well. Larry took one of Lee's feet, too, but it seemed that Lee wasn't exactly comfortable. I asked him as much, but he didn't really answer.

Eventually, I had both of Lee's feet and was massaging them. Larry, in turn, was massaging mine, and the three of us were simply talking. It was too koool.

When it came time to get out, I went first. Although I'm a tad embarrassed by my love handles

, I didn't make an effort to hide them, or jump into a towel extra quickly.

Lee followed and he, too, didn't make an artificial effort to hide himself while he was toweling off. In fact, his towel didn't make it to cover his mid-section for quite some time (relatively speaking). From the moonlight, I got a good view of his butt and a second view of his frontal region. I did try not to stare, so I can't describe what I saw, but I am certain of his gender.

Larry got out a few seconds later and the three of us put our clothes back on. Before Lee went back home, the three of us talked some more and I called him on his taking a little too long to get his towel to cover himself. He said that it served no purpose to try and hide himself quickly, or something to that effect. I thought he was a koool guy before, but after saying that, I thought he was too koool.

To be comfortable enough with himself and his sexuality to be nude around two gay guys made him just too awesome.

In the time since, the three of us have hung out a lot. We went to Knott's Scary Farm the night before Halloween, and had a nice Italian dinner last night. Nothing sexual has come out of the relationship, and Larry and I have done nothing more than give him a kiss on the cheek and neck, but I can tell a great friendship is in the making. Whether or not the relationship will ever have any sexual part to it, no one knows. I think it will, but either way, it will be koool.

November 5, 1996

1:01AM Technically November 6, 1996

I know I mentioned before how meeting people at USC hasn't been the easiest thing, but lately, things have started looking up. On the night that Lee, Larry, and I went to Kachina for dinner, I logged onto my USC account for the first time. I didn't expect to find anything interesting, but instead found four messages from 'SC students. One from this guy Christian, who'd written me at justin@koool.com before, one from a nameless 'SC student, and two from Erick, who is well... just read it

hey justin
this is erick. i am your "roommate" in webb tower. we haven't met yet. i was just writing to let you know i saw your web page. man, it looks like it took a lifetime. i read your diary (man, that's a weird thing to say). i am glad you didn't dislike our quaint apartment. you are right, no bob marley poster. i do burn one candle though sometime. it is supposed to bloom into a flower. i paid 5 bucks for it and so far it is a bust. oh well. life is like that sometime. well, i know you have a lot of e-mail and stuff but write back if you get a chance. p.s. i know the 700 dollars a month you pay inherently makes this clear but i just want you to rest assured that you are always welcome in webb as far as i'm concerned. alright??!!
byebye

Subject: redheads justin
first off, i don't mean to offend (honestly) but just so you know, i am not gay. i have no problem with you though. you seem "darn cool" (the best i can do since i don't curse) to me!! anyway, i just wanted you to know that you could look at my page if you wanted to. p.s. sorry about the subject. i just figured if you really did have a huge number of messages, this one would get your attention. no disrespect intended. well, other than that, have a koool day!!
byebye

I was more than a little shocked to find e-mail from one of my Webb Tower roommates. I mean, I was shocked to have e-mail there from anyone, but how did Erick find my web page. Even if he got my name from housing because I was his roommate, where's the connection to my web site?

Anyway, I wrote him back:

Erick, Just logged onto my account here for the first time today and although I have dinner plans and need to rush off, I just wanted to thank you for your letter. To tell the truth, I was sorta apprehensive about going to the apartment, seeing that I hadn't been there in sooooo long (not that I really had a need to), but your letter saying that I was welcome was most appreciated... I sincerely mean that. You are "koool" by the simple fact that you took time to write it... I am literally speechless. :-)
So, my sincere thanks... hope to see you soon...
Justin

Of course, there might be some connection somewhere, which I haven't found since the e-mail from the nameless USC student who wrote said, "I read some of your entries in your web page. I found them quite interesting. Maybe we can get together some time when you are on campus..." How did he get the connection between my USC account and my web page? Who knows...

So, anyway, I wrote both of them back saying that we should meet, but I've met neither. (Christian is on a semester away program in Washington, D.C..)

The day after I found those messages, and totally unrelated, I found the following in my "In" box.

Hi! Evidently your buddy, Larry, stumbled upon one of those silly, digital classified ads I must have left on some website somewheres... thought I would say, "Hi." He referred me to your website... it rocks! I am really impressed. :-) Your diary is fascinating, and I think it's really cool that you're able to be so honest and EXTREMELY public about every facet of your life. You go, boy! :-) I'm a sophomore, 5'7", 20 yrs old., 30" waist, 148#, workout at gym on very regular basis. (I see from your diary entries that u have a thing for shorter, fairly hairy guys... um, I think I fit that bill). I'm also a USC Cinema major (whoopee!). Critical studies is my track, though all my friends are in production. I really agreed with your whole life mission... to make movies with gay characters, where their "gayness" isn't the only thing about them... I TOTALLY agree! That's one of MY main goals as a wannabe writer-producer-director! :-) My roommate last year was a communications major.. I don't know, seems like a wierd major to me... all that theory and techno-pseudo-sociology jargon. You're a braver man than I am! What else? Oh yes, who do u know at USC? Maybe we have some of the same friends? Take care and write back!
-dave-

Gay guys from USC seemed to be coming out of the woodwork.

Apparently Larry had found a posting placed by Dave a while back and they'd exchanged e-mails but nothing came of it. Somehow or the other, in recent weeks, Larry remade the connection. On Saturday, October 19th, two days after getting Dave's first mail and after several letters back and forth, we met.

I don't remember the exact specifics of the night, but Larry, Dave, and I went to Sleepers in Glendale. Since we picked Dave up from his apartment just off campus, Larry and I got to know him better together, but as Larry had to go pick up the babysitter before the movie, Dave and I had a little time alone here at the house to talk. We talked about school for the most part, but threw a little flirting in there just for the heck of it. (I mean, I flirted a tad when Larry was here, too, but flirted a tad more when Larry was gone... overall, though, I must admit, I wasn't too flirtacious )

So, anyway, I met a new 'SC gay guy and saw a movie. Afterwards we came back to the house and a few minutes later, Larry left to take Dave and the babysitter home. Before Larry left, though, he asked me if I wanted Dave to stay. To tell the truth, I was pretty torn. I would have liked to have seen that hairy chest he'd told me about, but at the same time, I wasn't that attracted to him. I mean, I wasn't not attracted to him, but the desire wasn't that strong... and, I must admit, I didn't want to get Dave in the hottub because in my mind I was reserving that for Lee. If Dave had gotten in, I knew Lee would have found out and I didn't want him to think that I wanted everyone to get in the hottub. So I let Larry take Dave home, but on the way I tried to call Larry's cell phone to see what he wanted. Unfortunately, his cell phone wasn't working, and so, Larry took Dave home then came back and we went to bed.

--And, looking back, I don't think I told Larry that I tried to call him. I mean, what was the point? It was too late then.

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