Justin's Life... September 8-15, 1996

September 8, 1996

2:07AM

On Friday, August 30th, Larry and the rest of the household went to the ranch while I stayed in town. I needed to get a few errands done and thought I'd get caught up on the diary. Needless to say, things didn't go as planned, but I did stay in town.

As night approached, I talked with Larry on the phone several times and he asked if going to West Hollywood was one of my options for the night's activites. I told him that it was and he told me that I should, that I should go have fun. He even said that I should get laid. That was quite a change from the sporatically possessive Larry that had been present before. To tell me that I should go out and get laid. I didn't plan on doing that, but it was certainly nice to have the chains loosened.

When night came, I decided that I would go out and have a little fun. Like I said a few paragraphs back, I wanted to meet someone, anyone. I needed some friends and West Hollywood seemed like the most likely place to meet a few gay guys. Sure there were quite a few guys there looking for just one thing, but I knew I was a big boy and could handle myself.

When I got home, I wrote the following letter to Larry:

---------- Edited for clarity ----------

I'm home... alive and alone. :-\ If you want to know how the night went, read on. If you don't want to know, QUIT HERE. Well, I first went to AXIS since I noted in the 4-Front magazine that AXIS had go-go boys on Saturday nights. I got there, flashed my ID to a doorman (who could have cared less,) then paid $10 to get my wrist stamped with a "6" It was a much larger space than Mickey's or Rage, but the go-go boys were far removed (up on stages). So I walked around and around, casually looking at the crowd, most of whom were cute enough, but no one really noteworthy and no one really giving me the eye back. And so, off to Mickey's I headed. I got there, paid $6 to get in, then walked around a couple times. There were less people than last night and the bartenders were less than half as "cute" (i.e. lacking nice chests) as the night before. I walked around then decided that the whole thing sucked. The go-go boy barely had on any less clothes than the dance floor people... woo woo. So I walked up the street, back towards Hollywood, to see what was there... nothing much. I walked back, stopped back in Mickey's, did the parade once around, then came back out, deciding to tour AXIS one final time before heading home. (All this was about 12:45AM) I showed my wrist then went back inside. I walked around twice and saw no one. I then headed for the door... BUT as I was heading out, I passed this really short guy who was looking me straight on. We both turned after we'd passed the other and so I walked to the end near the door then went back to the end where he and his friend were now located. When I walked passed him, he once again looked me dead on. I stood and pretended to stare at the go-go boy as I wondered whether I should pass the short guy wearing a baseball cap once again or whether I should just go home. I mean, I certainly didn't know what I would "do with him" if we talked, so what was the point. I walked past the two of them again, once again getting/giving the eye, then the taller of the two said "Hi". I turned around and said "Hi" back. We began talking. The cuter, shorter one was named Gary and his friend was Jon. We talked about USC, about how they were from Laguna Beach, about their jobs and my move to LA and so forth. By the time we'd decided to go to the dance floor, I'd harassed John several times, trying to get him to put a dollar in the go-go boys underwear. I mean, it was obvious he wanted to. He would go up by them and stare, but he just didn't have the gumption to put the dollar there. So anyway, I harassed him while talking to Gary. Of note, he's 5ft 5". *grin* So, anyway, we kept talking until the guest singer stopped and a song John liked came on. The three of us then went to the dancefloor and began dancing. I wasn't sure if I looked like a fool or what, but we danced for a while. When that was done, we went back and talked some more. We danced a little more, talked a little more... I couldn't get over that they were both 31. I mean, these guys looked younger than I do. I guess it had something to do with the height, but still... *smile* So anyway, we talked and talked and danced. When 2:45AM rolled around, they were getting ready to head back to their room at the Ramada (saying that driving back to Laguna Beach was just too far). I thought about it for a while during our dancing already, so I asked them if they'd like to come back to the house for the pool or jacuzzi. I figured that you'd said several times for me to have fun and I'd always wanted to have a skinny dip party. I got a good vibe from them, they'd made no moves even to hug me so far, and so I asked... they talked for a few minutes then decided not. Oh, but wait, earlier in the night, they gave me their phone number (apparently they're roommates as well). So as Gary was saying that he didn't think they were going to come over, he said that perhaps tomorrow they would or that the three of us could get together (All in a very nice tone. No "I feel like I'm being pressured so I'm letting you down nicely" deal) So, Gary and I walked out of the club while John was saying "bye" to a couple people. A lady was selling roses, so I figured why not and bought Gary one. He said no one had ever bought him a rose before and acted all sweet. John arrived then the three of us walked back towards Euro/Ramada. When we got to the Starbucks on the corner, I said my car was parked behind and so, Jon said good-bye and walked a piece away. Gary and I continued to talk and he told me that I should definitely call tomorrow. I gave him a hug and we said good-bye. I got back in my car and came home. I'm pretty happy right now. No where near elated, but you know how I was in a funk from not meeting anyone. Well, tonight I met these two guys and sure they live in Laguna Beach, but still, it's someone else to add to the list of people that I might be able to hang out with.
Still love you a bunch. Talk to you later.
Justin

September 14, 1996

5:51PM

Ok, I've got about 2 weeks to cram into the next hour or two of writing, so bare

with me.

On Saturday, the day after I met Gary and Jon, I called their hotel room to see if they wanted to get together for dinner. Unfortunately, they weren't in their room, so I left a message simply that Justin called.

A few hours later, Gary called back to say that he and Jon were meeting a couple of their friends at 3:30PM and that he would call me after he found out what they were doing. And so, I ran a few errands then came back to wait for Gary's call. When he did call, he said that the four of them were going to the beer bust at Motherlode and that I was welcome to come along. I'd had all the clubbing I could stand and didn't have any desire to be around them while they were getting drunk. So we agreed to get together for dinner later.

Later came, and while I was talking on the phone to Larry (who was still at the Ranch house), Gary called to ask if I wanted to meet them at their hotel room to then go on to dinner. I said ok, switched lines back to Larry, and told him I was going out. He said to call him when I got back: I agreed. All was fine.

When I arrived in West Hollywood 25 minutes later, I went up to their room on the fourth floor and was greeted by Gary, who was wearing a tank top and shorts. His shirt revealed his hairy chest and well, without over exaggeration, his pecs of steel.

After we'd been in the room a minute or so by ourselves, a shirtless, bright (but natural) blond guy opened the door and came inside. His name was Luke and he was 5'3". When Jon arrived shortly after that, I felt a tad odd being, at only 6'0", the tallest guy in the room.

The four of us talked for a while then agreed to go to dinner. While we walked down the main street of West Hollywood, we debated on where to eat and whether to simply go to the house/pool and order in. I made my kase for the pool option, but we soon ended up at a little restaurant called Bossa Nova.

During dinner, the three of got to know each other a lot better. I learned that Luke apparently made out with several random people at the Motherlode earlier in the day, but that Gary didn't even drink. (Speaking of which, he doesn't drink at all). I flirted with Gary (and Jon, too, I must admit) for the few hours as we sat at the table. By the end of the meal, it was obvious that Gary really was a nice guy.

On the way back up Santa Monica Blvd, we all debated on what to do next. I wanted to go to the pool. Gary wanted to go clubbing, and Jon & Luke didn't know what they wanted to do, but they didn't want to go swimming. We talked and talked until finally ending up back at the hotel: An hour or so later, I'd convinced them all that a skinny dip party would be fun.

We piled into my car and I drove here.

When I walked into the house, the phone was ringing. It was near 1AM; it had to be Larry. I answered and we talked for a few minutes. I felt awkward, being on the phone while Gary, Luke, and Jon were wandering in the kitchen and I thought Larry could only be calling for one reason: to tell me he was uncomfortable with them in his house and they had to leave. Figuring as much, I was short with him on the phone. He told me to have fun, to even "get laid" and while I knew he didn't actually want me to "get laid" or even really meant it, that's what he said. After all the effort to get them there, I wasn't going to let him change his mind midway through. He asked questions like if I was okay, and who was there, and so forth, the stuff a parent would ask. I answered each question with one or two word answers. He couldn't believe that dinner had taken five hours and he was worried. I explained that dinner had taken as long, as unbelievable is it were, then we ended the conversation with him asking for me to call him when they were gone. I told him that I would.

The four of us went down to the pool and stood around. Although it has no light, and the only source of illumination was candlelight, Gary, Luke, and Jon were a little apprehensive of getting into the pool naked. --Turns out, even after three years of being roommates, Jon and Gary hadn't seen the other nude.

Yet soon enough, Jon was in his underwear, getting ready to get in (with them on), while Gary & Luke debated the merits of swimming naked. I decided it was up to me to get the ball rolling, so to speak, and so, I dropped my shorts and boxers, then walked over to the edge of the pool. Still in a shirt that was long enough to hide everything, I sat by the edge of the pool, took it off, then jumped in.

Jon walked to one of the more dimly lit areas and followed suit. Luke was next, then Gary. Four naked guys in the pool. It was too dark to really see "anything," but I carried the candle towards each of the guys and glimpsed as much as possible.

Several minutes passed, with each of us getting more comfortable in this totally new experience. (To tell the truth, I'd always sort of fantasized about skinny dipping and after watching The Last Picture Show a few month's back, I'd really wanted to do it. The fact that I actually was doing it, though, was scary yet exciting.) After an hour or so, we'd all loosened up and gave each other a casual touch as we passed in the water. A few touches, a couple feels, but that was it. That was all I'd wanted and that was the reason I wanted all three of them to get in the pool. If only Gary had come to the house with me, there would have been too much pressure for something else to happen. While I wasn't afraid of Gary attacking me, I wanted a situation where I wouldn't be uncomfortable.

After turning into raisins (about two hours later), we decided to get out and that I'd take them back to the hotel. We toweled off then went inside... to find the phone ringing. What?!? I answered and Larry told me that he was worried and asked how could I have been in the pool that long. Feeling like I was a little kid being monitored by a very overprotective parent, I once again was short with him on the phone. He said for me to call him when I got back from taking them home. I argued that it would be after 4AM, but he said to call him nonetheless.

I drove to West Hollywood, dropped them off at the Ramada, then came back. I called Larry and we talked for the next two hours. He said that he was wrong when he told me to go out and get laid and I told him that I knew his true feelings on that subject. He said he was upset that I'd cut him off in the phone conversations. I explained why and told him that he didn't have the right to change things mid-night and I wasn't going to let him tell me to take them home. He said that he wasn't going to change things midway and that he was worried because it would have been impossible to be in the pool for two hours and I explained that I'd turned the heater on so that the pool was very warm. (In hindsight, I guess it would have been impossible to stay in the pool that long at it's normal temperature. I had no experience with the pool's heater, beforehand, and thus, didn't think much about it being a lot warmer (104 degrees to be exact) than normal. In Larry's world, there would have been no way I could have been in the pool that long. Working on the assumptions that the pool was at it's normal temperature, he worried that I'd been hurt. Neither of us was to blame really. I didn't think anything of the temperature being warmer than normal and he knew I couldn't have been in there more than 20 minutes or I would have frozen to death.) He said that if I would have talked with him earlier, during the conversations where I was short, everything would have been fine. I told him that if he desperately wanted to talk to me, he should have said as much. He said I made that impossible. As with most things, we were each to blame for certain parts.

And I guess this is a good time to bring up the other aspect of Larry's and my relationship. I know, from what I write here, it seems that we're always at each other's throat. That's one of the major disadvantages of not writing when things happen. If I write, "Today Larry and I had a great day, just hanging around the house, exchanging noogies, playing with Katie, and loving each other" it would be normal for a day's entry. But when I write about what happened two weeks ago, those days of normalness blend in. Today was one of those days and I want to make sure they're captured, and that's why I've set this deadline on myself. Believe it or not, despite how many times I write about Larry and I fighting, we really do love each other.

The next week was spent loving, fighting, arguing, crying, yelling, hugging, and nothinging. Of note, we discovered that we love each other a lot more than either of us thought. I mean, I never thought we would be anywhere as near as close as we are now, but somehow we are. Somehow we're near Siamese twins and while we do feel like killing the other at times, we always end up back loving each other more than before. Who knows what the future holds? I won't pretend to know. We've been through a lot, and hopefully a lot more, but, to be honest, I still need that special "droolworthy" guy, that red headed knight, and even though I know it is difficult for him, Larry understands. I don't want to lose what Larry and I have, and I don't really think I will, but in the coming months/years, I feel the dynamics of our relationship will change. And speaking of dynamics, it wasn't the dynamics of three that were the non-working factor in Rich, Lance, or Sean, so who knows? Perhaps one day I'll have two husbands; perhaps not. I'm not set on the idea and I'm not set against it. This is life. People can't be pigeon holed and only time will tell. The bottom line is that I love Larry and want him to stay in my life and that he loves me and wants me to stay in his life. Hopefully, one way or another, that will happen. --Think it sounds complex here? It's nothing compared to living it.

September 15, 1996

2:45PM

Catch up time again:

Gary, Larry, and I had dinner in Laguna Beach on the Wednesday after the pool party. It was on okay night, a couple awkward moments, but nothing especially wonderful or especially bad. We walked along the beach afterwards then Larry and I drove back to LA.
On the next Monday, Larry, Selma, Warren, Katie and I went out to eat at Dive! in Beverly Hills. After dinner, as we were walking around the Century City Mall, I whined that I didn't want to go to class the next morning. Larry reacted, "You aren't really thinking of quitting school are you?" or something to that effect. I was just whining like any kid does, so his response took me off guard. I followed, saying that school seemed pointless and why in the world did I need to learn about Japanese history. By the next day, I'd thought about what Larry (admittedly after too much wine) had said. I did have it in my power to quit school if I wanted. So anyway, I went to class and had an extremely horrid day. The whole incident can best be summed by what I wrote in my notebook as a letter to Larry:

Guess what! I'm in history waiting for class to begin. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer. :-( Ya know, when I was bitching about going to school yesterday, it was just normal complaining. I wasn't actually serious. :-) Of course, your reaction made me realize that I do have the power to quit school if I want. I honestly don't know what I want. I don't really want to work for anyone, ever. And if I work for myself, I don't think people will treat me differently if I have a degree or not. After all, how would they know. And speaking of not going to class, apparently several people here had the same idea (well, at least temporarily) because this classroom is mighty sparcely populated. <time break> I've changed my mind. This is pointless. How in the world will knowing 10-15 pages worth of crap on Japanese history EVER help me do anything? Who cares? Does it really matter? Could any of those studio presidents tell me jack about Japanese history? Could you? Could Kathleen? I don't want to work at McDonald's, but we both know that won't happen. Why waste my life sitting in these "who cares" classes? I just can't justify it, even thought I know you want me to. You said I tell/mention stuff to get the idea in your head, so when I do it, it's not such a huge impact. Well, consider it said. Did you know Amatersasj covered the sun because she was mad at her sun brother Susano-O, the god of rain? No? And you still managed to get through life? Did you know communication theories can be based/places into three different categories? Or that _____? And you still made it? I'm not joking. I really can't take it. Even if I were working at some cheesy job, I'd be getting paid. Here I'm trying to assimilate volumes of info for what? I'm about to explode. I literally feel sick. I could handle this for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but not years. I just can't.
Since that day in regards to school...
- I had an intensely uncomfortable lecture from Don and Larry on the merits of school, to which, I ended up leaving the restuarant and walking back to my car a few blocks away.
- I've dropped "Intro to Japanese History" to go to a load of 12 credits, or 3 classes.
- I've decided that I can handle school.
- Larry called, pretending to be my dad, and got me out of the housing contract. It was just too much to find that my bed had been slept in and that even some personal items, like an alarm clock of Brian's, had been moved into my private bedroom (which by the way, made my apartment in Boston look like a mansion. -- It's hard to believe that one of the richest schools in the country has the shittiest housing.)
While I never actually slept in the apartment/dorm, I've now more permanently moved into Larry's house. He and I went IKEA last weekend and bought a glass top desk for my computer.
Larry planned a surprise birthday party for Don at a casual restaurant towards Santa Monica. During the course of the night, I noticed one waiter in particular. He was pretty darn cute and so, before dinner was through, Larry asked our waitress, Nancy, if he was a team player and single. She said that he was a team player for sure and she thought he was single. Koool!! Larry wanted to get his phone number that night, but I said I wanted to take my wooing a bit slower.
On Saturday the 7th, I sent a bouquet of balloons to the restuarant with a card reading: "Noticed you last night and once before. A Secret Admirer" There was no other indication of who sent it.
A week passed without incident, until I sent another, yet slightly different, balloon bouquet on Friday. The card read: "See you tomorrow." and nothing more.

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