I think a lot of insight can be gained from the following two letters:

Well, I just finished Mr. Holland's Opus. I should have known better as to watch it as I'm tearing up right now. *smile* [That's tEEring up not tAIRing up] You may hate Richard Dreyfus (and in most things he is a little over the top) but M.H's.O is quite the powerful movie for me... and every time I watch it I want to write my "Mr. Holland" Mrs. Congleton, without whom I never would have had the courage to attend BU. She was, and still is, the only teacher I ever admired and one of the few people that I admire still (and you know I'm not one to go around admiring most folks *grin*)

So, anyway, I just finished that movie and felt especially sappy. I love you Larry ____ _____. Who'd a thunk I could have loved a guy with a name like that? I sure wouldn't have, but I do. And what's more important than my loving you is that we're a family. Through thick and thin, we stick together. I may screw up sometime and do something stupid, but if you'll let me, I'll be in your life for the rest of mine. I think you know how much you love me, but I don't think you know how much I love you. When I said I appreciated Monday, it holds that same sort of allusiveness as my admiration. I admittedly don't appreciate much, but I did appreciate Monday. You did all that for me, and I thank you.

I must admit, I was apprehensive about becoming friends with Erik for fear that you would get jealous and it would be a nightmare. But you haven't and I appreciate that as well. Today when I started talking to that guy Jesse, I got that same sort of apprehension, but I'm hoping that he and I can become friends and things will go as smoothly as they did with Erik. And, I think they will.

I'd like to be the father of the next kid, if you want me to be. (Larry had said a few months back that he wanted to have another child and had wondered if he or I should be the biological father. At first I said that it didn't matter, then when we got to talking about it, I realized that I would feel as an outsider, living here, looking in, if he were to have another child without me. And so, after much deliberation, I wrote that sentence.) I have complete faith in your ability to raise a child, whether or not you decide to boot me out one day. He/She may not be as spoiled as I would have them, but I think they'll turn out fine.

So there are a few random thoughts and here's one more:

I LOVE YOU!!!

-J

"I may screw up sometime and do something stupid, but if you'll let me, I'll be in your life for the rest of mine." When I wrote that a couple weeks ago in that "I Love You Larry ____ _____" letter, I thought that screw up would have been something more profound, something more of an incident, like sleeping with someone. Something on that scale but as time has told, the "screw up" wasn’t that, but rather a lesser screw up sustained for a longer period. By that, I mean the diary. But to talk about this, I really need to address an issue which is closely related. It’s the fooling myself, protecting myself, and presenting myself.

First the protecting myself: I said earlier today that from time to time I feel trapped, and I completely blame myself for being in that "trap." It’s the trap of having all my eggs in one basket. In my mind, I seem to be in a constant game of appeasement. Things like, "I want to go hang out with Eric, but I’m afraid you’ll get upset." When most people have a relationship, they give the other person a lot of input/control of their life, but with you and me, you ultimately have gargantuan, supreme power. Let’s face it. If you wanted to "ruin" me, you could. Money=Power, and you’ve got the money to get the power to say "You’ll never work in this town again." Would you do that? No, I don’t think you would, but people lose rationality when they’re mad. They do things they’d normally never think about. And when you get mad, it’s MAD. You said you’d pay for my college no matter what. But that’s what my parents said. The people who were always there for me. And through no screw up my own, they "left" and instead leased a new truck. You came to the rescue, but there’s still the part of me that says, "If my parents could do it, so can you." I just need to convince myself that you won’t do that but not only do you have that power over college, but I’ve also given you complete financial power over me as well. I could go from living here with you one day to living out of my car or some rat infested slum the next. The Members Edition barely makes enough money to pay for the web site and a few of my bills. How could I possibly add rent to that? When I was in Boston, you had that power, but it wasn’t so visible. It seemed to be independent of our relationship. But now the diary has become the antithesis to that power. It’s become the "You may have complete control over me otherwise, but you can’t control the diary." It’s become my defense, my way of keeping some control over my life. And so, in order to protect myself, I think I subconsciously, but intentionally, write it so that it seems that you don’t have that power over me. I write away your importance, your power to effect me, in some sort of "I write it, therefore it becomes reality" fantasy. I don’t sit and think "I have to write it so that it seems that he doesn’t have this power," but that’s what happens.

Which goes into the fooling myself: You do have this power. I have to resolve myself to that and somehow fix it so that I don’t feel this way anymore. I thought the Members Edition was going to give me that freedom, the financial freedom so that I felt a little more like an equal than a wife at home vulnerable under her husband, the breadwinner’s, decisions. The CD-ROM is my newest attempt. It may take a while, but the financial independence is a big part of wanting to make the CD-ROM.

And that moves into presenting myself. Just as you said a published version of the diary would be more saleable if I were a college student, I seem to think I’m more saleable as an individual, than as half of a couple. "Who wants to read about two gay guys? They want to read about someone that they could possibly obtain." I think to myself but then again, I realize that the other day I found a page about a gay couple, and that it was Jase’s and Eddy’s pages which got me started in making mine. They were totally presented as husbands, but I "liked" Eddy way more, he was my online crush of sorts. I just haven’t realized that I’m still saleable, but in another way, as part of a couple... or triple.

When I was zoning earlier tonight at the restaurant, I was thinking "What do I want?" If I could have my way, what would I want? I’d want to be financially independent, but I’d want to be with you. I’d want to not have to worry that if we did have a fight, that I’d be out scrambling to fend for myself. It would allow me to put my guard down and express myself more truly, in the diary and in real life. Right now I’m caught between overly trying to appease you in real life and trying to underplay your importance in the diary, but instead of the two balancing out, it just ends wrong in both directions.