Justin's Life... April 26-30, 1996

April 26, 1996

12:34PM

Monday and Tuesday, koool.com wasn't working correctly and I could neither change the web pages or read mail. It was pretty frustrating since I'd been out of town the five days before and hadn't been able to connect through the hotel's phone system.

Tuesday night, Curt called and asked what my plans were for the night. I responded that I'd like to see his house. --He'd asked me before when I was coming over.-- He buzzed my door a while later and we got in his car.

We drove down the highway for a while then off onto a smaller road to end up in a wooded area. I jokingly asked if we were nearing the place where he was going to kill me. He laughed and turned into the drive of a really nice condo. After we walked inside and he introduced me to his dog, he gave me the tour. He showed me the basement through the second floor and pointed to each picture along the way. As he told me about each photo, I could sense how much he loved the subject, whether it was a scenic area in a foreign country or one of his friends. For a guy who appears so tough and manly on the exterior, it's amazing how much of a lovey dovey is inside him. We talked for a while and then headed out to eat.

After dinner and visiting Wal-mart, we went back to Curt's place for a while and just hung out. Finally, at around 11PM, I said that I didn't want him to be driving too late and he took me home.

Getting away from the city was nicer than I'd anticipated. Curt's town reminded me a lot of home, which I haven't seen in almost four months.

When I got to thinking about it, I really started to miss my family. I hope to get home soon... but you can bet that I won't be going to church while I'm there.

7:59PM

Last night, I was trying to do some web programming when I decided to ask Rob for help with a cgi script. I probably could have figured it out by making several minor adjustments, but since I hadn't seen Rob in a while, I called, figuring that he would ask me to come over.

I told him what was wrong and he said for me to e-mail him the script. I told him that I'd come over and pick up the vase from Curt's flowers --When I left for Minneapolis, Curt's flowers were still alive. I didn't want to throw them out, so I asked Rob if he wanted them.-- and that I'd work on the script with him in person. He hesitated so I jokingly asked, "Are you naked or something?" To which, he answered, "Well..."

I told him to put some clothes on and I'd be right over. He said ok and I started looking around my apartment for some little gift. I ended up with a box of brownies and two eggs.

When I arrived, Rob walked to the outer door in a t-shirt and a pair of soccer shorts. (Truth be known, I wanted to grab him right then and there, but I managed to keep my hands to myself.) After we'd gotten through the door, he said he'd already figured out the problem in the script and looked at my gift of unmade brownies with a sort of "What the heck are you doing?" face. I layed the box and eggs on the kitchen counter then we went in his room where we talked for a few minutes. We then went back into the kitchen and prepared the brownie mix.

As the brownies were cooking, I was sitting on the bed while Rob sat at the chair in front of his computer. Before long, I started playing footsie. A minute later, his foot was playing back.

Eventually, I was sitting in the floor, looking up to Rob. All of a sudden, I reached up, gave him a hug and said that I missed him and his nuances, like the way he always hated it when I tried to pop his toe.

He hugged me back and said that he'd also missed me, that everything he'd always loved about me was still right there. When I moved my face up to his, he kissed me.

We paused for a few minutes, just sort of hugging and staying in that secure space, until I asked if the brownies were done. We went back into the kitchen, got the brownies out of the oven and ate a few of them.

When we returned back to Rob's bedroom, we first sat close to the other in the floor then moved onto the bed, kissing pretty intensely. As the night progressed, our hands wandered and before long we were wearing nothing but our shirts. I double-taked a couple times, thinking about what would happen "Tomorrow" but the situation felt so right, I didn't think much. At around 9:30PM, Rob asked if I wanted to spend the night. I told him no, that I still had work to do, and returned home. Before I left, though, Rob mentioned something about it maybe being the one-year anniversary of when we met.

When I got home, I looked in the diary then wrote:

Rob,We met May 8th. It's at http://www.koool.com/life/95may.html#May9 Hope you're not feeling down about what happened tonight. I thought it was really nice and it just proves to me that we're still really close and care for the other a lot.
Justin

He wrote back:

Justin, Ah, so our anniversary is still yet to come. :-) It was really nice, and yes, it's obvious we do still care about each other quite a bit. I have to say, something about you tonight was different from what I've known before -- a sweeter, kinder, gentler you that seemed genuinely intent in sharing yourself with me. I didn't feel you were holding back for any reason, as I have felt in the past. You and I were both very comfortable with each other, and that is pretty special. I think I felt closer to you tonight than perhaps in all the time I've known you. I admit, though, (and you can imagine) there is still some lingering uneasiness in my mind because of all the seemingly loose ends that never reached any conclusion in our past relationship. I wanted you to reply to my previous emails because they addressed a lot of those loose ends (even though I'm sorry they came out sounding hurtful and inflammatory.) I do love you, though, and I was willing to look past all of those loose ends tonight because I know you love me the same. I also sensed you were quite honest about having matured, and I think some of my perceptions of you tonight can definitely attest to the truth of that. What can I say? I love you, and I'll always love you. We're all still growing, and it made me very happy tonight to see lots of evidence of that. (Growing in more ways than one, I suppose, as we discovered. :-) What I mean to say, though, is that I'd like to let go of everything behind us (if you'll agree), and really start with a fresh, clean slate. It's probably not worth digging up old bones *as long as* we can agree to solve problems as they come to us, and not ignore them. Deal? If that's agreed, I think it opens a number of doors in our relationship, and neither of us should have to feel guilty about any of them. :-) I'm glad you visited tonight. I missed you too. *hug*
-rob

The idea of starting over with Rob sounded great to me. Before, when we'd gotten together after the "breakup", a lot of "But how could you do this to me?" kept floating around in the air. The tension was so thick I didn't want to be around him. It was too much work and no fun. I felt like I was beating a dead horse, as the saying goes... I didn't think he'd ever see my point of view.

Nonetheless, I didn't want Rob to think that last night meant that I'd changed my mind completely and wanted to be his boyfriend. I ended up writing about two hours later:

Rob,

Ah, so our anniversary is still yet to come. :-)

That day's just for you and me, ok. May 8th. :-)

I have to say, something about you tonight was different from what I've known before -- a sweeter, kinder, gentler you that seemed genuinely intent in sharing yourself with me.

*blush*

I didn't feel you were holding back for any reason, as I have felt in the past.

Yes, and I'm not really sure what brought about this change in me. Could I be becoming less shallow? Or just a slut? *grin* No, seriously, though, I'm not sure why I'm changing, but yes, I do feel that I'm maturing and that you are as well. I've heard before that sex is just an extension of the love you feel for someone. I'm starting to realize that it's true. What happened tonight was us being close to one another. Before, I thought "If I do something with Rob, that means I'm being untrue to my red head." I was saving "nothing" (in hindsight) for someone who didn't even exist. Seems pretty crazy now that I think about it.
I wrote in the diary a couple of days ago how it was ironic that I was "ga-ga" over Frank, but don't love him and how I was never drooling, head-over-heels "ga-ga" over you, but I do love you. Two totally different circumstances, but both places where I felt a physical closeness to the other person.
When I said "Or just a slut?" it was because my attitudes on sex are changing. I still view it as something special between two (or three *big evil grin* Sorry, just couldn't pass up the opportunity) people. I wouldn't go out and pick Joe Schmoe off the street nor would I do anything with someone I didn't feel was a special person inside.
I don't know if I'm sufficiently parlaying into words what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm saying that when I was in California, I was in the hot tub with Frank, etc. and I don't regret that at all. He's a really special guy (and really cute, too)... and if I were in California right now and the situation arised, I'd almost certainly "have fun" (for lack of a better term since it wasn't sex exactly) with Frank. _IF_ down the road, you and I become exclusive, Frank and all would be out of the picture... but that's a big IF. Ok? *smile*
I guess, bottom line, what I'm trying to say is that I'm having fun being unattached at the moment, but you're no longer competing with that imaginary perfect redhead. I think it'll be a major difference.

You and I were both very comfortable with each other, and that is pretty special. I think I felt closer to you tonight than perhaps in all the time I've known you.

I think that had to do with my not trying to save myself for that red headed knight. (As well as having to do with my unexplained lessening paranoia of AIDS.)

What can I say? I love you, and I'll always love you. We're all still growing, and it made me very happy tonight to see lots of evidence of that. (Growing in more ways than one, I suppose, as we discovered. :-)

And some of us had more visible growth than others. *grin*

What I mean to say, though, is that I'd like to let go of everything behind us (if you'll agree), and really start with a fresh, clean slate. It's probably not worth digging up old bones *as long as* we can agree to solve problems as they come to us, and not ignore them. Deal?

Sounds like a GREAT idea to me.

If that's agreed, I think it opens a number of doors in our relationship, and neither of us should have to feel guilty about any of them. :-)

Exactly.

I'm glad you visited tonight. I missed you too. *hug*

I couldn't tell at first. I thought you were going to send me on my way ASAP, but all's well that ends well. *smile* *hug*
-- Justin

April 27, 1996

6:31PM

Yesterday afternoon, Rob called and asked what I was up to. I told him not much and we talked for a few minutes before he asked me if I wanted to go on a walk later. I said no, and he asked me if I wanted to just hang out. I hesitated for a second then told him that to be totally honest, I was avoiding him so that he wouldn't go ga-ga over me again. I'd intentionally not called him during the day, as to still be close but keep a distance. He said he knew that would happen and we continued talking.

By the end of the conversation, I ended up asking him if he wanted to see a movie, just so that he wouldn't feel like I was avoiding him. He said that he didn't know and would call me around seven.

At a little after 7PM, we talked again and Rob ran down the list of movies playing nearby. I said Mrs. Winterbourne sounded like it could be worthwhile, but Rob wanted to see Fear with Marky Mark. Having already felt like I was being too controlling, I gave in without any fight whatsoever.

We each ordered a ticket and I told him I'd be over to his apartment at 9PM. Nine o'clock came and the two of us headed to the theatre. When we got inside, I wondered if it would be like the last time, with us nudging each other's leg and holding hands, but I quickly decided that if I did that, I'd be sending Rob too strong of a message. We watched the movie (which sucked. People actually got up and left. It had almost no plot, no nudity, no nothing. No redeeming qualities at all. Even Marky Mark, the supposed attraction of the movie, wasn't half as cute as a lot of guys you'd see in a gay bar, and the girl looked like a bee-stung Alicia Silverstone.)

Anyway, we watched the movie and afterwards Rob thanked me for sitting through it. As we were walking back towards the Pru, Rob suggested we sit and talk in the lounge area of the Marriott. I had no real desire to listen to the band or sit with a bunch of prudish people talking, but after Rob pleaded, I gave in. We took the escalator to the third floor and sat on one of the couches in an area all to ourselves. We talked for a while about what's been going on in our lives lately and about where we're heading in the next few months --Rob to San Francisco. Me to LA... hopefully.

At what I assume was a little after 11:30PM, a security guard came over and said that no one was allowed on the third floor after eleven-thirty and that he'd appreciate it if we would move to the first or second. Rob and I walked back to the escalators and then he asked me if I was ready to head back. I said yes, and we walked out into Copley.

Before we'd gotten to the end of the skywalk which connects Copley to the Pru, I suggested Rob and I go pick up some junk food at Star Market. We walked down the isles and he said something about how he thought we should fix it at his place. I asked why and he said something about the leftovers. When I said we should fix it at my place, he said that he was going to his apartment and it would be up to me if I was going to come along. I asked him why he didn't want to come over to my apartment, but he wouldn't answer. I started putting the groceries back and said that I wasn't getting anything until he told me what was going on. Eventually, he said that he didn't want to be the one who had to decide if they were going home. I told him that he could come over to my apartment because he'd definitely be going home. I could tell he still didn't like that idea, so I ended up buying only a box of Dreamsicles.

When we got outside, he asked where we were going to eat them. "On the way," I responded.

When we got to where are paths separated, Rob asked where I was going and I started walking towards his apartment. For the next hour or so, we talked in his bedroom. There was a little footsie that got played, but no where near the night before.

I went home, played on the computer for a few minutes, then fell asleep.

April 28, 1996

11:16PM

Last night, I got e-mail from Rey, a student at BU. I'd received several messages from him before, all requesting that we meet. The message yesterday said that he was heading home soon for the summer and would desperately like to meet me before he left. I wrote him back to say that we'd get together before the weekend was over and that I'd write him in the morning with more details.

This morning, I wrote to ask if he wanted to meet me at Tower Records at 8PM. He wrote back to say that meeting then was koool with him, that he'd be wearing a red coat, and that if I wanted to have a better idea of what he looked like, I could check out his web page. I loaded it up to find one very overexposed photo. I could tell that he was darker complected, but that was about it.

At 7:55PM, I headed out, but before I'd travelled a few blocks, it was obvious that I wasn't going to make it by 8 o'clock. I reset the time on my pager back five minutes. --Ironically, I knew full well that Rey would read the diary and know as much, but the resetting of time seemed, at that moment, to be a temporary excuse for being late.

When I walked into Tower at 8:03PM, I looked around the book section for someone dark complected in a red jacket. I saw none. From there, I headed to the second floor and all around it, still seeing no one that could possibly be Rey. The third floor had the same result.

Having a lot to do and not really wanting to be there in the first place, I walked back down to the first floor and looked through the videos. No one.

Back to the book section and I saw a guy who could have been Rey. He was wearing a dark red nylon-type jacket, but was intently reading a book. I knew Rey had seen the pictures of me online and therefore would have an easier time picking me out than vice versa, so I meandored in the direction of the guy reading the book. When I caught a glimpse of his face, I turned the other way.

If that was indeed him, I wanted to make sure. (Sorta the opposite of the AOL guy and the book reader in West Hollywood. I'd wished I'd introduced myself to the cuter guy who I wasn't supposed to meet. Here, I didn't want to introduce myself to an uglier guy only to have a cuter guy arrive later.)

I walked back into the video section and debated whether I should leave, dodging the guy who could have been Rey, or if I should face the music and introduce myself. After about two minutes, I decided to bite the bullet and ask if the guy was Rey... but when I walked to where he'd been standing, he was gone.

I went back to the third floor to purchase a CD then headed home.

Speaking of heading home, I guess now's the time to include this:
Gone To Kentucky. Be Back March 7th

I don't have any way to update the pages from there, so the next entry will be May 7th.

Click here to move on to the next set of entries.

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