My life... May 1995

May 1, 1995

7:42PM

About thirty minutes ago, Damon The guy from last week called to say that he'd rethought about us getting together tonight... but I should start a little closer to the beginning.

Last night I talked to Damon and basically, I once again told him that I doubted anything would happen between us romantically... that I just wanted to be friends. But if he wanted to get together as planned, I was fine with that. I was admittedly apathetic since life's been so hectic and I was still on the Steve high. Damon called me on my lack of enthusiasm... and I think that my lack of enthusiasm was misread. I wanted to make absolutely sure that he knew what I was thinking and I think he instead thought that I didn't want to hang out with him. That's not the kase. I do want to hang out. Like I said before, I need some more gay friends, but I didn't want him to think that I was interested in him romantically. So we talked last night for a while and agreed to still go out tonight at 7PM.

At around 5:30 or 6 o'clock tonight, he called saying that he didn't think he was going to make it because he was still at work. I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, I'd completed everything (my COM paper, going to the camera shop to fix my camera's flash, etc. etc.) in order that tonight could be to spend time with him. So, I told him that even though he was going to be late, he should still give me a call afterwards and we'd go eat. Well, at 7:10, he called and said that he'd decided to not go out. I guess I can understand. Last night we talked about liking someone and him not liking you back and how it was miserable for the liker. I tried to convince him to come on and go to dinner, but he said no...

So now I'm here writing this and maybe I'll just take the night easy... and reply to some e-mail

1:31AM Technically May 2, 1995

I was in the bed and the phone rang: It was Steve. He called to say that he had "a really nice time" on our date and to apologize for what he said was his abrupt leaving Saturday night when the cab arrived. I didn't think anything about it since he kissed me before we went downstairs. Anyway, I'm really glad he called. I mean, some of you have written to warn me that he's bad news, but what possible hidden motive could he have had to call me tonight. We're almost certainly not going to see each other before I leave... To me, this was just the little added push I needed to believe that he really did have a good time and really does find me attractive. If he didn't care, why call... so, once again, I'm quite the happy camper.

May 2, 1995

11:46PM

Well, I haven't answered any e-mail today... So I'll definitely have my work cut out for me tomorrow.

I woke up, went to COM class and had my feature article reviewed for the final time. Afterwards, I hung out with my friend Michael for a while. But then came time for my Psychology class so I had to tell him goodbye. It was the last time I would see him until the fall, if then. I know he wouldn't have objected to a hug, but I just gave him a punch in the arm and said "bye." I did, however, get his address and told him I would send him a postcard. That was the first of what I anticipate to be some pretty sad goodbyes...

After Psych., I came back here and heard a knock on my door a few minutes later. It was Damon. He asked if I wanted to go to lunch; I said sure. So we headed to the food court where we talked about things like ex-'s and current romantic situations. We basically just hung out... exactly what I'd wanted before.

Afterwards, we walked back to his car and he gave me the card that he said that he had intended to give me the night that we stood so long by his car. It had a little poem in it where he said that he was attracted to me... it was sweet, but it still didn't change my opinions. Not that I think he gave it to me to change my mind, though...

Anyway, he was supposed to meet an ex- of his this afternoon... I hope that went well. I hate depressing people. I mean, if he had someone else to focus on, he wouldn't be depressed. Like after I broke up with Adam, I wanted much more for him to find someone that I wanted someone for myself.

Uhh... I'm having real problems wording things today... I think it's too much darn stress from that COM paper... I rewrote it for the final times today and am going to turn it in tomorrow.

Okay, as I re-read over this, I can tell I'm not too coherent or grammatical, so I'm going to sleep now...

May 3, 1995

4:45PM

Well, I'm disturbed --Ha, ha... not that way--. When I got back my paper today in my history class, I got a C. Now that would've been fine and dandy if I'd deserved a C, but I did not: I worked hours on it and it had focus and direction. It seems as though my teaching assistant has something against me... perhaps my gayness or perchance my outspokenness, I don't know. I mean, the first day of class, I saw him and immediately thought he was gay. The bounce in his walk, the turtlenecks, you name it. But he has a wedding ring and has never given any indication that he isn't married to a woman. Closet? Maybe, but I hate it when people use the excuse "Well, he's a closet case and that's the reason he doesn't like me." So I'm not doing that... I'm simply saying that he doesn't like me for some reason. That could be it, but I don't know.

Anyway, I'm sorta upset. Not upset like at Bobby's that night, but upset like I'm about to bounce off the walls. At least now I won't have to study much for the mid-term.... C on my first paper, C on my midterm, and C+ on this paper can't be helped with an A on the final, so why bother.

In happier news, I'm done with classes! And I should now have more time to devote to these web pages... ya know, the more I hang around here on the 'net, the more I'm convinced that here is where I'll be "when I grow up".

A guy, Kevin, wrote me this week and asked me for HTML advice. Today he gave me his URL, so I checked it out. I decided instead of telling him to change this and add that, I'd rewrite both of them for him. Basically, I created some graphics and just polished them up a bit. When he gets the new ones loaded up, perhaps I'll add a link from here.... By the way, No, I don't think that I'm the god of the gay WWW. But when people ask me for advice/help with their web pages, I give it...

I think I'm going to go HTML-ize my COM paper that I've been fussing about so much lately...
5:27PM

Okay, that's done... if you want to read it, click here.
2:54AM Technically May 4, 1995

I've worked on these pages a good while tonight and made a few changes in structure and form...

Also, my friend Curt, who's in the Army called and talked with me for about an hour. I'm working on getting Amanda, another friend from back home, and him back together... I'm making progress; I got him to call her tonight.

Anyway, I'm tired... so I'm going to upload these new pages and then go to sleep...

May 4, 1995

11:55AM

Well, I woke up about ten minutes ago and found 18 messages in my in box. That adds to the 30-something that were already there, so I'm going to spend a while reply to them... but one of them I won't reply to. It was the access report and it says that yesterday 797 people downloaded 26176 items... that's almost double the previous double... koool.
12:16PM

Well, I've answered one letter so far... if you've ever written, you know that I write and write and write.
2:51PM May 5, 1995

Well, I spent over four hours responding to e-mail yesterday and didn't even get half way thorough. Other than that, I just sort of hung around here and did nothing. I'd called Norm but he wasn't home...

At 12:35AM, Jeff buzzed from downstairs so I let him in. He had been to Campus/Manray with his friend Mike from Connecticut, but it was boring so they stopped by to see me. They stayed here for about an hour: Jeff talking to me and Mike playing with my computer. I took one 3D and two regular pictures of Jeff and then they left. I went to sleep.

May 5, 1995

2:08PM

I just got back from COM. I had gone there to see about getting approved for taking a summer class back in Kentucky to make up the one that I'd dropped. When I walked through the door, I saw Dr. Root, the asst. dean, and Kate, the freshman orientation director. I asked Dr. Root who I should talk to. She said that she, herself, would be fine and then told me the procedure for getting approved for the class. After that, Kate said that she wanted to talk with me. Of course, I knew it was about how I didn't make the Peer Advising program, but I had no idea what about how I didn't make it. So I went in her office and she closed the doors.

She then told me that Linda, my peer advisor, had talked with her and told her that I was upset that I didn't make it. She added that she hoped I didn't mind that Linda came to her. I said no.

So then Kate went on to tell me that it wasn't my sexual orientation; that she didn't even know until Linda asked her about it. And then she said that she really pulled for me to make it, but that she only had one of the four votes. The students thought I was too "spacey" and laid back to take the program seriously. Kate said that she told them that she thought it was only the way I acted and that I would take it seriously, but "they didn't want to risk it."

I mean, I know I'm a happy, energetic person... but spacey? And I wouldn't take enough responsibility?

Anyway, as long as it was the other students and not Kate, I'm okay with it. I do feel a lot better about COM than I did before. I may even re-apply for the program next year.
2:58PM

I think I'm going to leave in a few minutes to go see the movie Priest. Both Steve and Norm said that it was really good. I'll let you know.

In other news, a lot of you have written asking me various questions about web pages, so I'm in the process of creating a web page that will serve as a manual for creating them. I spent a good while yesterday searching the web testing HTML coding programs, --In fact, I'm using a new one right now.-- and finding sites with good icon archives. So, that is my latest web project.
2:42AM Technically May 6, 1995

Well, I made it to the 3:50PM showing of Priest and I really liked it. It was what Philadelphia didn't have the balls to be. I mean, I really didn't like Philadelphia at all. I thought it just generally gave a bad picture of gays as all of us being opera queens and having AIDS. Priest, on the other hand, showed gays as being vulnerable, normal people. At first I thought I wasn't going to like Priest much since the priest simply met a guy at a club and then had sex with him. But then the priest grew to accept himself and to love that guy...

Speaking of the sex scene, it was tasteful: no nudity but there was some chest kissing and eroticism.

Anyway, I really liked it and a complete review will be due in the movie section as soon as I have a chance.

After the movie, I came back here and returned a call from my friend Helen. While I was talking to her, Erika called and we all agreed to meet for dinner. We went and ate in Tower's dining hall and had a fun time. Well, Helen and I had a fun time, but Erika was quiet and sorta fussy. At one point, Helen and I were laughing so hard that I was crying, but Erika just sorta giggled. Anyway, afterwards we went back to Helen's dorm.

While we were standing in the vestibule. Helen told Erika "You need to go lay down." I said, "Yeah, you need to get laid." and then Erika said, "I can't take any more of you, Justin. I'm leaving." and she left. Helen yelled after her, but she wouldn't stop. Helen then called and left a message on Erika's machine saying that she was sorry. Helen redialed and handed the phone to me. I left a message saying that whenever Erika felt better to call me. Helen hit me afterwards for not apologizing, but I don't believe in saying you're sorry when you aren't. I didn't do anything and thus, I'm not going to apologize for it.

So Helen and I went upstairs to her room and called MovieFone. Helen listed off some movies she'd like to see which all had black characters. (--She's as obsessed with black guys as I am with red heads.) So she wanted to see Friday or Bad Boys, but I didn't. She reminded me how she went to Bobby's the other night for me and thus, I agreed to go to whichever movie she picked.... Bad Boys.

So we watched it and it was much better than I had anticipated. I actually liked it... not that I'd want to re-watch it, but it was good.

I then took Helen back to her dorm and walked back here where I checked my e-mail. I started replying and continued for the next two hours straight... and I've still not even gotten to yesterday's mail.

Anyway, I'm headed to bed now...

May 6, 1995

9:58PM

Today's been a lonely day. I woke up around one this afternoon, played on my computer a bit, packed some more things for the move home, and then ate some soup.

I next took some film to be developed --a roll with pictures of me, Steve, and Damon--. I would've just taken it to CVS, but I wanted to make sure it got special treatment so I took it somewhere else. --No, I'm not telling you where in kase you live in Boston and think it would be fun to go pick up my roll of film by simply saying that you're me-- Anyway, I took it somewhere special and am paying twice as much just to make sure the pictures are developed carefully... I mean, I even used two different rolls of film to take Steve's picture just to make double sure that I'll have some of him. Okay, so I'm gushing... what's your point?

Anyway, I came back and here I am...

All through the day, though, I've felt lonely. I've longed for someone to hold and hug me, someone to kiss me and make me feel secure. I've seen cute guys and wished they were mine... I've just longed for male interaction period... it's so different... like even yesterday when I spent a large chunk of the night with Helen and Erika. It's so different from spending it with a guy...

May 7, 1995

10:59AM

Ironically, last night I was here playing on my computer watching What's Love Got To Do What? when the door buzzed. It was Jeff so I let him in.

He'd just gotten off work and he, too, had had a lonely day. So, it was just before midnight when he got here so we talked and talked for a bit then gave each other a bear hug. Whenever I pulled my face back, he kissed me. It was a very quick peck and it took me off guard. I asked, "What are we doing?" and I can't remember what he answered... something to the effect of how we were both lonely. So we talked some more, watched some Saturday Night Live and then cuddled a bit... yes, cuddled a bit. "Now, what exactly is cuddling?" Well, it consisted of simply running my hands up and down his arms and on his chest and vice versa. We had all our clothes on and no hands went inside any jeans or anything like that.

So we cuddled for a while and then he kissed me again... another quick peck. I could tell he was looking for a response from me, but it was pretty obvious that I was just kissing back because he wanted to kiss me and not from anything on my part. I mean, we're not going out or have any romantic possiblities; only in a romantic potential relationship am I comfortable kissing.

After cuddling for a while more, Jeff was nibbling on my ear. I told him, "I just want to let you know that I'm not comfortable nibbling on your ear, so don't expect it back." and he said that he wasn't... but I noticed he quit almost immediately after me saying that.

So we cuddled some more and eventually both of our shirts were off. I mentioned something about my Pretty Woman complex in that I don't kiss unless it's in a romantic relationship... so that he wouldn't think I was going to kiss his chest just because it was there. Anyway, we cuddled (nothing more than running our hands up and down each others chest and arms) until around 3:45AM when we decided to go to sleep. So we put our shirts back on and fell asleep next to each other fully clothed.

This morning he woke up, got ready for work and left.

I'm a tad worried about this presenting the wrong picture of me. I mean, I thought about not even putting it in here... but that's why everyone likes this so much. I put everything in. This online diary wouldn't be true or fair if I left out some stuff... I mean, a lot of you have written to say that me writing here lets you know that you're not the only normal guy who happens to be gay. If I left some stuff out, I'd be presenting a whitewashed version of who I am. Am I happy that I cuddled with Jeff last night? No, not especially. Do I regret it? No, not really. I knew at the time that my limits were set and that they were a lot more restricted than when Jeff and I were dating. Both he and I needed someone to hold and that's the function I served. I knew I wouldn't nibble his ear and even mentioned something to him about how it was he who kissed me (so that he wouldn't try to kiss me any deeper and I would have to stop him.) Even one time, he was caressing my stomach and his fingers were touching the top of my jeans. I pulled his hand back and he said that he was only teasing... but my point is "I knew where my boundaries were" and I stuck to them. Nothing more than a peck. No hand in jeans. Jeans must stay on. No body kissing. No more than three peck kisses (I set that rule since Steve kissed me four times and Steve was/is romantic potential.)

And I stuck to those rules... I didn't even kiss Jeff goodbye this morning. I'm not saying that I wasn't a participant in this, but I wasn't an instigator.
9:51PM

Well, today was sorta productive... I washed clothes, packed some more boxes, and even went to the grocery a minute ago. It was a different grocery store than usual and I actually had a little fun there. I'd seen it, StarMarket, when I was coming back from Staples Office Supply store the other day... I mean, I haven't been to a real, big grocery store since I came to Boston.

In other news, I'm getting a little anxious about going back to Kentucky. I'm ready for a change of pace...

Nothing else happened today... --this is the part that they leave out of Melrose Place--
12:46AM Technically May 8, 1995

Well, I fixed chicken salad then created the Letter to a Friend page.

May 9, 1995

10:40PM

Well, apparently it's sweeps week here on Justin's Life or at the very least this is the season finale

Yesterday was quite an eventful day...

I woke up and found e-mail from Rob, a guy who e-mailed me a couple of very sweet letters before like:
The whole time I was on the T, and on the bus... I couldn't stop thinking about you. Aside from being tired from lack of sleep, I was actually very happy all throughout today. :-) When I got back, I was reading again. I read your entire online diary, parts of it for the second time. What do I think? You're sweet. I laughed; I sighed. I agreed... I cried. You're the kind of guy I could fall in love with. There just isn't anything I don't find attractive about you (including your pictures, btw :-) and I'd be surprised to find very many other people like you. I think that makes you pretty unique.

and so on... so I had agreed earlier to meet him. Anyway, I got the e-mail yesterday morning that said he would like to go see a movie or something. He gave me his phone number, so I called him and talked for a good while. We eventually agreed to go see Priest, but first decided to meet at the Pru's food court.

So I went to the Pru and walked around until he saw me. We then ate. I had a turkey pot pie and he had bourbon chicken. We talked and he again told me how the only people besides me who knew he was gay were two females. I told him that if anyone saw him eat, they'd know. The ways he held his fork and his drink were so gay.

Anyway, after that we headed back to BU to see the 3:50PM showing of Priest. The theatre was almost empty... --And I have no idea why the heck that matters for anything.-- We watched the movie and then headed back to my apartment.

While we were walking, he was thinking about Priest and said something about the character in regards to sex. I remember telling Rob that the priest had probably had more experience than him. Rob then told me that he was a virgin up until a few weeks ago... he'd lost it to a girl! --He told me that he loves my honesty in these pages, so I must wonder how much he loves it now that he's the subject.--

Anyway, I must admit that I was shocked when he told me that. I mean, he'd told me that he was gay and he seemed completely comfortable with that fact, but then he said that he'd just recently lost his virginity to a girl. Anyway, I eventually found out that it was she who'd pressured him and that it had only further solidified in his mind that he was gay.

So we came back here and just hung out for a bit. I showed him Out magazine and told him some basic gay things... like "Do you like Bette Midler? Well, she's a gay icon." and "Do you know Adam Sandler's gay?" He was pretty much dumbfounded. His tastes were so gay, but he'd never realized it.

I asked him if he'd ever seen Threesome among other movies and he said no. Eric, a friend of mine, had borrowed my copy of Threesome so we decided to go to Tower Records to rent one.

We went there and picked it up. Before leaving the store, though, we checked out the gay magazine section where I showed him ads for ABBA and Cher, telling him that they, too, were gay icons.

We then headed to his apartment where we watched the movie on his mega-television/stereo system. Afterwards, he asked if I wanted him to walk me home. I told him that I could make it; that if he was walking me home to make sure I got there, no. He then said that he'd like to walk me back, so I said okay.

We took the T back here and put on the movie Ghostbusters. I started rubbing his foot sometime during the movie and later he said that he was planning on rubbing mine. So he started rubbing my foot and we did that for a bit. We held hands for a bit after that, but I was tired and didn't really care about watching Ghostbusters, so I layed my head down his lap. He started stroking my hair and my chest. I could tell he was extremely nervous: Earlier I had commented on how his hands were sweating. So, I asked, "Is there anything you want to do?" --Not that I was going to do anything he wanted, but I knew he was a lot more timid about the whole situation than I was and I wanted to make him as comfortable as possible.-- He said, "No."

A little later, I asked him if he wanted to play with my chest hair. He didn't seem to have much interest, but I couldn't tell whether it was his shyness or really apathy. So a few minutes later, I pulled my t-shirt up (I was wearing a t-shirt under a button-down shirt) and he started playing with my chest. Then I started playing with his, first over his t-shirt and then under it. I was really having a fun time and I could tell he was having fun, too.

So we did that for a while and then I kissed his chest. I continued kissing more and more until I made my way up to his neck. When I kissed his neck, he grabbed me and gave me a strong bear hug. I kissed his neck some more and again he hugged tightly. I moved closer to his mouth and, knowing that he'd never kissed a guy before, asked if he minded if I kissed him. He said no and I kissed him and he kissed back. We eventually French kissed; though, he sucked too hard.

I eventually asked him, "So do you like this better than with her?" and he said that he'd never kissed anyone like that. I said, "but you had sex, didn't you kiss?" and he said that he hadn't really kissed her... that I was the first person, male or female, that he'd kissed so intimately.

So we kissed for a while and eventually ended up laying on my bed with our shirts off.... then Ghostbusters ended. So I got up and stuck True Lies in the VCR then went back onto my bed. We hugged and snuggled for a while then at around 4AM, we put our shirts back on and went to sleep. We woke up at 1PM earlier today and he left.... I since got an e-mail from him saying:
Thanks for an enjoyable time yesterday and a very memorable evening. I got more than I expected last night, but I truly loved every moment of it. ;-) I hope you were being honest when you said, while resting in my lap, that you felt secure... because I did too, and that's all I could ask for in a friend. You're every bit as sweet and adorable in person as I felt you were before meeting you. Well, no, actually you're definitely more adorable in person. :-)

So I called him and we talked for a bit tonight. He said the he was going to go to bed so that he could wake up early tomorrow morning and then we could maybe do something tomorrow night.

I don't think that Rob and I will be going out romantically, but I'm unsure... It's completely different than the situation with Damon or Steve... I had fun hanging out with him yesterday and I think it's really koool that I can show him the gay ropes... well, I could if I wasn't leaving... I guess, Rob is somewhere in between Steve and Damon... I mean, I practically worship Steve... --Right now, his picture is serving as the wallpaper on my computer.

And while I don't regret last night at all, I am glad that I'm going back to Kentucky next week... I think if I was staying in Boston any longer, I'd start to dislike myself... I need to get back to the conservative state of Kentucky...

Hmmm... if I wasn't going back to Kentucky next week, I don't know what I'd do!... now if Eric, the red head in Kentucky, will only still give me a chance after all that's happened this last week .

Whoa... I just re-read what I wrote and I can't figure out why I make myself compartmentalize everything. I'm having fun with Rob, he's having fun with me, and we both know I'm leaving... so why don't I just go with that instead of worrying about it so much.

In other news, I picked up my pictures today and they were really nice. I really think that they were worth the extra money I spent on them. There are a few pictures of me, so I'll scan them whenever I get a chance to add them here.

Other than that, I haven't done much today. I hung around in Norm's room for about an hour before picking up the pictures and after picking them up, I came back and started answering e-mail. I'm pretty far behind because my mail server got screwed up... so if you sent me e-mail, please be patient.

May 12, 1995

2:17PM

Well, I've gotten a little behind in my on-line diary... (duh)

Let's see... Well, on Tuesday, after I got back from picking up the pictures, I just sort of hung out.

Wednesday, I packed some more stuff and just generally hung out. At six, I went to go eat with my friends Helen, Erika, and Eric. I first went over to Erika's dorm, but she wasn't dressed. She, however, had no problems getting dressed in front of me... well, she did make me turn my head, but how many girls do you know that would let a straight guy be in the same room as when they were getting dressed?

After that, we met Eric and Helen and ate.... my last dining hall meal this year.

Afterwards, they were planning on studying, but I told them that I was going to meet Rob... so I came back here and we met. We hung around here for a bit... we didn't make out... we only kissed a couple of quick pecks... Anyway, at around 12:30AM, we went to the T stop since the T's quit running at 12:45AM and he had to work Thursday. But the T never came...

So, even though he told me I didn't have to, I ended up walking him to NorthEastern... on our walk we talked about the deal between us and we both agreed that we're just friends who happen to be physically close (If either one of us had a boyfriend, we wouldn't be doing what we are doing.)... I mean, I explained how I'm obsessed with red heads and how I don't see us becoming boyfriends. He said that he knew that and felt the same way. He just wants someone to sort of be his gay mentor. Someone who can show him the gay city of Boston and let him know that he's not alone in his thoughts... basically an extention of my web site...

So I was glad to get that all cleared up and then I walked 31 minutes (I timed it.) to get back to my apartment.

When I got here, I called Steve's phone... I'd called a few days before, but had never been able to get ahold of him. He answered, but said that he'd been asleep and thought it was an emergency. (It was after 2AM.) But, he stayed awake long enough to give me his summer address and ask for a picture of him with red hair since he's now dyed it back to brown.

After that quick conversation, I went to bed.

Yesterday, I woke up to John's mom buzzing the door... I met her for the first time and then about thirty minutes later, John had moved out. After waking up a little more, I once again packed... I had lunch with Helen and Erika (guess that wasn't my last dining hall meal for this semester) and then I went to pick up the second roll of pictures... but they weren't there... I was sorta pissed. I had taken an hour long T ride for nothing.... so I came back and took a nap.

A little later, I met with Rob and we hung out here at my apartment again. We didn't make out... well, not really... last night... it was more of the cuddling type of deal that Jeff and I had a few days ago... Rob & I didn't kiss that much... a couple of pecks was about it... Rob spent the night. I had sort of wanted him to leave so that I could get some sleep, but I didn't mind too much that he stayed.

This morning, around noon, we woke up and Rob left to go back to his apartment. I walked him to the T stop then came back here. I took three more boxes to be shipped then started writing here at this computer.

In other news, I am still very far behind in e-mail... I can't answer it as fast as it comes in...

Also, I don't know what my plans are for today. I know I will definitely have to study tomorrow and Sunday... and I will try a lot harder to actually write here the day that something happens... I know I leave so much out whenever I don't write right then.
8:14PM

Please be advised that the following entry has been modified due to veiled threats of lawsuits received by the following red head for use of his name on the Internet...I wouldn't normally change anything, but he's just the type to sue me... more on that later.

Well, it is most definitely sweeps week.

Rob and I had gone to Lechmere at the Cambridgeside Galleria to pick up my roll of film. Yeap, that's where I took it... you can know now since I don't have anymore there... We got there, I picked up my film, and then we ate lunch/dinner in the food court.

Afterwards, we got on the T for free since the conductor wasn't sitting at his seat. Anyway, we got on the T and took a seat. We went a few stops and a guy asked me how to get to Fenway. I told him and he and his friend sat down...

A little later, this red head was leaning on the pole in the doorway across from us. As per this little diagram Red=Him, Blue=Rob, Green=Me
11:58PM

So, I noticed him standing there with his Eddie Bauer bookbag/briefcase and I made eye contact with him a couple of times... Well, I was quite happy. I told Rob that the red head had looked at me and seen me looking back a few times. I was smiling.

I kept moving my gaze from Rob to the red head to no where... but then a lady came up to the red head and said, "You're Tadd, right?" and started talking with him about jazz festivals and cajun food. He didn't look at me again.

So Rob and I listened in on their conversation and I noticed that Tadd (of course, I didn't call him Tadd at the time, (because that's not even his name) but I'm doing so now for clarification's sake) was wearing a ring on the traditional wedding band finger. So I figured I'd imagined it all... I mean, there wasn't one thing about him that said "gay" except for the fact that he made eye contact with me and smiled (but not a big smile... just a grin)... I thought, "All that heart racing and I was just fooling myself."

We neared the Copley T stop where Rob and I were going to get off in order to go to the Glad Day Bookstore (I wanted to pick up some rainbow flag stickers and I'd seen them there before when I went with Norm.) So I heard this lady, Marla, tell Tadd that she was getting off at the Copley stop and he responded that he had a few more stops to go.

So the Copley stop came and Marla got off the T. Rob and I followed... but then behind us was Tadd. I had just heard him say that he had a couple more stops, but he got off on the exact stop that she did.

So we walk side by side up to the escalator/stair place. He took the stairs and we took the escalator. (There's a partition between the two.) So I asked Rob if he'd heard the that Tadd said he had a couple more stops. Rob said that he had.

So when we got the top of the stairs, Tadd was walking out the door, but he was turned around looking at me (or us, as Rob likes to debate.) I couldn't believe that he was looking at us... so I kept his stare and started smiling hugely. He was walking to the right, but Rob and I were headed to the left... but he kept his face directly at us... staring dead on.

As Rob and I were waiting to cross the street, I looked back and this red head was still staring. I started laughing and telling Rob that I couldn't believe he was still looking...

So we're walking down the street and I see that Tadd is waiting to cross the street, but still looking our way... then he starts walking towards us...

I couldn't believe it... I was like, "He's walking towards us!!!!!" to Rob... and then told him to walk slow.... I kept turning back, but just partially to see if he was still coming after us...

I said, "Ten seconds..." and then Tadd starts walking next to us... I look over at him and smile hugely (I've been smiling hugely the whole time, but I made a special smile in his direction.)

He then said, "You guys together?" And I quickly said, "No"... we kept walking, neither of us really knowing what to say until a lady asked me for some change. I stopped to give her some and then the three of us stood looking at each other.

We made awkward small talk like, "How are you?" and "What are you doing?"... but eventually, he said that he was going to a movie with some friends tonight, but asked if we'd like to get together tomorrow. He then gave each of us one of his business cards and wrote his home phone number on it. I told him that I saw him take one out when he was on the T.

I didn't have a business card, of course, so I got one of his and wrote my name and phone number on it as did Rob.

He said for us to call him tomorrow so that we could get together and I said okay... I was on cloud 10 for the next hour, at least.

So, Tadd went his way and Rob and I kept walking down the street until I realized that we were going the wrong way...

We turned around and then started arguing about who Tadd was checking out.... it was playing arguing, but both of us still thinks it's himself that Tadd was looking at. I think it was me because I was the one he was staring at on the T... Rob thinks it was him because he was sitting closer to Tadd on the T and he made eye contact with him as well.

So we then went to the bookstore and I couldn't get over the fact that I actually met a cute red headed --(his hair is just barely red... a lot of red overtones combined with that koool skin tone)-- gay guy on the T.

We then came back here and decided to go see The Titanica at the Museum of Science's OmniTheatre. We took the T there only to find that it was sold out.

So headed back to Copley once again to see which movies were playing... they had all already started so we decided we would eat at Hard Rock Cafe.

We went there and had cheeseburgers served by a really muscular gay waiter... Boston is SO gay... if you don't live here, move here now!! But I was sort of ticked since we ended up paying $6 for drinks (Coke and Ginger Ale).

I told Rob that I needed some sleep so that I could wake up early and study tomorrow morning before we did something with Tadd... so we parted ways; I came back to my apartment and started writing this...

I still am on such a high from actually meeting a cute red head on the T... that was so random...

May 13, 1995

11:38AM

Well, I woke up this morning at around 10 so that I could get started on my studying for my history exam. I studied for a bit and then I thought about Tadd for a bit...

I called MovieFone a couple of minutes ago to see what's playing and the only thing interesting is, While You were Sleeping. I really want to call Tadd, but I am SO nervous. My hands are almost shaking and there's a lump in my throat...

Okay... I'm going to do it...
12:40PM

Well, I called him... but I didn't get a good feel from it. I mean, just his tone and the stuff he said sort of gave me an eerie feeling. I can't really describe it... but suffice it to say that I'm back on cloud 1.

But, Rob, he, and I are going to meet at the Pru at 3:30PM and then go see Muriel's Wedding at 5:35PM. I'm going to carry a knife in my pocket... there's just something that I don't like about this whole situation... better safe than sorry.
1:12AM

Well, my notion was right... things didn't go well.

So, I met Rob at 2:45PM-ish and we walked around for a bit. We walked by the reflecting pool at the Church of Christ Scientist and then inside the Prudential for a while.

While we were inside, we went inside the Warner Bros. store. As soon as I looked up when I was inside, I saw the clerk staring me down. I almost started laughing... Warner Bros. always has gay guys working there. Anyway, we walked around the store for a bit and Rob couldn't get over how the clerk kept staring at me.

Then Tadd arrived... we were supposed to meet him in front of the Levi's store, but he wasn't there. Anyway, we met and decided to go to the 4 o'clock showing of Muriel's Wedding at a different theatre than we had originally planned. So we took a cab and Tadd sat on the left, Rob in the middle, and me on the right.

Rob and Tadd talked a lot about computer related stuff and I just sort of sat there. I knew what they were talking about for the most part (T1 modems and such), but I didn't feel like saying, "Yeah, I know what you're saying too." So I just sat there.

So at this point, I was thinking that perhaps Rob was right and Tadd did find him attractive more than me... but at this same time, I was starting not to care.

In the cab, all Tadd talked about was work and his job and how he'd bought a house. I couldn't say anything without him knowing more about the subject. I told him that I was a communications major thinking about going into multimedia; he had advice for me. Rob told him what he wanted to do and Tadd had advice for him as well.

So we road in the cab some more and I mentioned my web site, he completely didn't respond to it... I mean, we were talking about careers and I was telling him how I was good at presentation things and thus mentioned the web site, but he completely ignored it.

So we make it to the theatre $11.20 later. Once again, Tadd was telling us about how he'd started a business but left it because it took too much time and such. So when we were standing in line, I told him about a business project of mine back in Kentucky. He completely ignored that, too. No "Cool." No "Really?" No head nod. No nothing. It was like I said nothing at all. We went inside and Rob sat on the left, I sat in the middle, and Tadd on the right. I wouldn't have sat by Tadd at all if he hadn't made a face at me as we were entering the movie theatre... sticking his tongue out as to flirt.

So we watched the movie and afterwards went to a nearby Friendly's. As we were sitting at the table we talked about various things... well, for the most part, Tadd talked about business and education.

Finally, though, Tadd asked how Rob and I met and then Rob explained my web site. Rob mentioned this on-line diary and how it was so koool. Tadd proceeded to tell me, "someone could sue you for putting their name on the Internet," and he did not look happy. I said how there were no first names and he said something like, 'but how many red headed gay "Tadd"'s are there in Boston?' So we argued about that for a while and then I said, "Well, I guess I know what you're feeling are on the subject." And he tried to say that he himself didn't care, but someone else might.

So, anyway, I've decided to use an alias for him here on-line... I mean, things were just too wierd today.

So we talked some more in Friendly's and I said something about how he and I were arguing. He said that we were weren't arguing that he was only showing me a difference of opinion. He wouldn't even agree that we were arguing... no matter what I said, he had to contradict it. I mean, once I even said in response to something Rob said, "Yeah, you popular?" And Tadd wanted me to explain what I meant... It was a simple, "Yeah right" that friends give one another, but Tadd wouldn't let me even say that without explaining myself.

Anyway, so after we had desert, we found a place to take a bus back to Kenmore. While we were crossing the street, I told Rob, "You can have him." Tadd had really pissed me off with the whole ignoring practically everything I said about myself, talking completely about his business-self, and then harassing me about everything he didn't ignore.

So we got on the bus and the mud started to fly. I began to tell Tadd how I thought he was full of himself and he just egged me on some more. I tried to smooth things over before the end of the bus ride, with a "You know, you're really cute, but you can be pretty darn annoying." remark, but he didn't respond to that either.

We eventually made it to the Kenmore T stop and stood there for a bit while we tried to decide what to do. If Tadd hadn't been so cute, I would have left no problem. But I also had Rob to consider. I knew Rob had been excited about meeting Tadd and if he still wanted to hang out with Tadd, I wouldn't leave him.

So we walked towards Tower and Tadd kept mentally poking at me. We got to the corner of the Newbury and Mass. Ave. when we tried once again to decide what to do. Eventually Rob suggested that we go the the reflecting pool.

So we walked along the reflecting pool and came to the other side.

I asked again, "So now what?" Tadd said that he was going home. Rob and I said goodbye to him with a handshake.

We walked away and then started talking about him... the first thing out of Rob's mouth was "He was very business oriented." I was like, "I know, I was like shut up. Who cares?" So we walked back to the Hynes T stop talking about Tadd the entire way. Suffice it to say that neither one of us was too impressed with Tadd. He seemed to have up some sort of guard that he didn't want to let us get to know him. I mean, quite literally, almost every question I asked was sidestepped. I even called him on it, but he still didn't answer my questions with a direct answer. And the business part was just too much... and the part about ignoring everything I said about myself was another... ironically, Rob and I learned more about Tadd from listening in on his conversation with Marla on the T for ten minutes than we did spending time with him today.

So Rob and I came back here and fussed about Tadd some more. Rob called him to say that he had a fun time, but to add that he felt like Tadd didn't give him a chance to get to know him.

We fussed a little after that then ended up laying on my bed. Rob told me something about how he wasn't attracted to me romantically but that he loved me for being a friend. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I do remember that it had the word "love" in it and he followed it by saying that he wanted to kiss me... so we kissed... actually, I gave him some kissing lessons.

So we kissed for a bit, about two minutes, and then just laid on my bed. He asked if he could give me a back rub, so I said okay. He did and then we laid on my bed some more and made out a bit... The first night was much more intense than any of the stuff we've done since.

After that, we ordered a pizza and started watching Steel Magnolias. (He had never seen it before.) He watched the movie with his head resting in my lap.

Anyway, we watched the movie then hurried for him to catch the T... unfortunately, we once again didn't make it.... but while we were sitting there, we had the opportunity to watch this guy puke and puke... it splashed on the sidewalk and both Rob & I and another guy were laughing.

Since Rob didn't make the T, he said he would walk. I told him okay if he would call me when he got home... he called while I was writing this.

So, now I'm going to bed and putting "Tadd" out of my mind... I mean, he was cute, but he was so stuck in his own world.

In retrospect, some of you have written to tell me that Steve is bad news, but I have an absolutely wonderful time when I'm with Steve. He's interested in what I say and vice versa. If he's manipulating me, I'd much rather be manipulated by him than ignored by Tadd.

One other thing, today I got e-mail from Eric (his true name) , the red head in Kentucky telling me to save a night for him this week coming up so that we could get together. KOOOL!!! I can't wait to meet him... I just hope it goes a lot better than today did with Tadd.

One final thing, I am way behind in e-mail and thus, if you sent me e-mail on Wednesday or before, you probably won't get a reply until after I make it home to Kentucky.